FOR THOSE WHO KNEW ME WHEN

    No matter how much spiritual, emotional or mental growth we attain in our lifetime and no matter how old we become, when we step into a room full of family we revert right back to the children we used to be. I've spent the last 4 days communing with the people who knew me when I was born. These people have loved me and put up with me for half a century. And although I consider myself a fairly enlightened human being, these past four days have invoked in me the feelings of doubt, self consciousness, and jealousy and have resurrected a whininess I seldom experience any more. The difference between then and now is that I keep these feelings to myself because I know what I didn't know back then. They are fleeting and they will pass. It is very humbling and very good for my soul. It reminds me that I am still having a human experience and have a long way to go before I can consider myself truly enlightened. Nice to know there are people out there who knew me when. The only problem is they still see me as that past child and when they reflect it to me, I forget and become her again. I have so much more to learn.

WHERE'S MY SPOT?

    Yesterday I was telling a dear friend that I was feeling exhausted on this trip and that my dog was having some problems also. He said this reminded him of the teachings of Carlos Castaneda about being in your spot or knowing your spot.  It seems when you are not in your spot your energy and rhythms change.  I have read a couple of books from Carlos and did not remember this teaching. But it is very apropos for my situation this week. I have spent two nights in a motel, two nights at a friend's house and the last three nights at a KOA cabin. All of them were very nice and very clean and afforded me a safe room and a comfortable bed. Yet I still feel "off". For someone like me who has travelled extensively in my life this is very unusual. So I'm going to attribute it to my energy and my rhythms being disturbed because I'm not in my spot. It may also have to do with the fact that I'm moving my spot to Florida and I don't have the anchor of knowing I'm going "home" when this trip is complete. I'm not sure where "home" is these days. But the explanation comforts me as it gives meaning to what I am feeling. It also reinforces my belief that we are so much more than the flesh and blood we see and feel with our senses. We are pure energy that has taken form for this period of time we are on earth. If I remember this, I can center my energy through meditation and again feel grounded no matter where my body lies because my pure energy is an outshoot of God, who's spot is everywhere.

GIVE THANKS FOR EVERYTHING IN LIFE

    Have you ever noticed how no one ever gives thanks for the bad things that happen to them in their lives? Yet I have found for myself, that some of the most profound wisdom I have gleaned and some of the most significant AHA's I have recognized are often after my soul has been plunged to the depths of despair. So on the day called Black Friday, I'm going to give thanks for EVERYTHING that has happened in my life, even the one's I consider significant life events of the negative kind. For I would not be the person I am today without every experience in life.

    Life is precious whether we are up or we are down. Life is precious whether we are healthy or we are sick. Life is precious whether we are rich or we are poor. Life is precious whether we are alone or we are surrounded by loved ones. Life is precious in every moment, every circumstance, every experience. Thank you God for life.

GOD FEEDS US

    Just as the pilgrims awoke this beautiful morning and began their preparations for a bountiful feast, I too awake, with gratitude in my heart, for the magnificence of my life and the bounty I have received. Thank you God for my loving family, for my safety these last few days on the road, for all of my loving, caring and attentive friends, for my career, my creativity and my prosperity.

    There is a ethereal mist hovering over the lake where my little cabin sits. It's really the cats' cabin for I will spend most of my day in a condo on the Atlantic Ocean and the kitties will hang out here enjoying the warmth of this cozy cottage. How blessed I am to have the flexibility to travel cross county, enjoying the beauty of all the landscape along the way and arrive to hugs and kisses from people who have known me my entire life. My God is a loving God who provides my every need. As Jesus said in Luke 12 versus 22-30:

     ²²"....Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁶Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

     ²⁷"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ²⁸If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! ²⁹And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. ³⁰For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. ³¹But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."

    Have a Blessed, Bountiful and Beautiful Thanksgiving Day!

THROUGH THE EYES OF MY CAT

        Woke up this morning in another strange room. Tonight I'm in new one. That makes fours since we left home. The one this morning was nicer than the last two because I had more places to explore. But it didn't have as many interesting smells. Don't think as many of my kind have slept there before. Must be brand new.

    I'm really getting tired of being let out of my carrier only to be stuffed back in again. But I love sitting in the car watching all the strange contraptions going by. The windows are massive, and I love sitting in windows. And the birds!!! Everywhere I look there are more and more interesting looking birds. Strange white and grey ones today. Plus the air smells like fish. I love fish, especially tuna.

    Now we're hanging out in a small room with more good smells. I like this place because it has a wide window sill and I can watch all the events unfold outside. I noticed a few squirrels too. Squirrels drive me crazy. It's like kitty TV. But mom isn't around much like she's been over the last few days. That's probably a good thing. When she's around I keep getting stuffed into my carrier. I prefer my freedom. Not sure where I am. But hey, in this day and age with the way my mom drags us around, I just have to go with the flow.

PATIENCE AND GRATITUDE

    Patience is a virtue. Practicing patience was my assignment tonight. 10 hours was to be my drive time. 668 miles from Howe, Texas to Birmingham, Alabama. Instead I was on the road for 12. The last leg was sheer torture. The final 70 miles lasted 3 hours. The first traffic jam consisted of 2 miles in 15 minutes. The second jam, twice as long, started north of Tuscaloosa, AL where I finally passed a multi-car accident. The third traffic jam, 18 miles west of Birmingham, was another multi-car accident.

    I am on my way to a wonderful family Thanksgiving celebration. I have a feeling some of the crashed cars I passed held people who will be in the hospital instead. This makes my holiday even more special for I am safe. I pray for the families involved and ask that the God of my understanding support them in their time of difficulty. Now, sitting in my motel room I pray again, Thank You God!

EVERYTHING'S BIG HERE

    Texas is an enigma. Everything here is huge. Especially the bulls that stand at the fence by the roadside watching me drive by. Tumbleweed blows across the road and is so big it sticks under the oil pan for miles. They match the landmass of this state, the 2nd largest in the country. It took me 6.5 hours from the time I rolled over the border to get to a town just north of Dallas (and that's coming in through the panhandle). It'll take me another 3 hours to get out of this state tomorrow.

    Texas hospitality is huge too. Went to the pool with my friend so I could swim laps. Met 2 ladies in the hot tub afterwards who were extremely nice. People in Texas are down home friendly. They have big accents too. Thick, sweet and syrupy. It reminded me of an interview when I was applying for graduate school in counseling. The woman asked me what was my number 1 prejudice. I immediately responded, "Texas accents." It's true, I must confess. My first impression of people with Texas accents is that they are uneducated. I know it's not true but still that's my first reaction. I lived in Texas for 10 years and know better, yet I still have that reaction. I had it again today. Sorry Texans. It's just a knee jerk reaction. Tomorrow I'll be gone from Texas and will not hear that accent again for quite awhile. In a way I'll miss it. Thanks Texas, your hospitality has been outstanding.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM MY CAT

    I wrote several notes along the drive today to remind me of the interesting items I wanted to write about in my blog tonight. The tumbleweed as it blew across the Texas highways. The mysterious fog bank I drove through. The vultures playing tag in the sky. But all of these fun stories went out the window after I arrived at my destination and was traumatized by my cat, Cayenne, who taught me three valuable lessons.

    Lesson number 1. Never leave your cat in a room with another cat if they don't know each other. Cats aren't like dogs. They don't adjust after a few minutes of smelling the other animal's butt. The phrase cat fight probably originated from crazy humans like my friend and I who put two unfamiliar cats in a room together and thought they would get along. Boy were we wrong.

    Lesson number 2. Never pick up a cat that is upset when a unfamiliar cat is present. How do I know this? Because I tried and now I have three gashes in my left cheek, several scratches on my hands and a chunk of skin missing from one of my finger tips.

    Lesson number 3. Cats are very forgiving. Tonight as we gather in the spare bedroom for a good night's sleep, all is well. Anise is hiding under the bed, Sharmin is snoring by the door and Cayenne is quietly sleeping in her cage. The other cat is separated by a room and a cage and is no longer within smelling or hissing distance. My cats are much happier. I'm still a little traumatized by the above event and my finger hurts like an SOB but the cats have forgotten the incident and think of me as their friend again. All is forgiven. Wouldn't it be nice if we humans could be just as forgiving.

    What's in store for us tomorrow? More adventures On The Road with Sarah Doyle. See you then.

HOWDY Y'ALL

    Remember the series, "On the Road with Charles Kuralt"? Well, for the next 10 days I will be "On the Road with Sarah Doyle". This morning I loaded my car with the dog, 2 cats, golf clubs, guitar, summer clothes and various essentials (like my coffee press) for my trek to Florida via Dallas and Charleston.

    Last night was a restless night as I tossed and turned, unable to quiet my mind from the churning lists of what to do, what to take and who to call. Needless to say exhaustion greeted me when my eyes opened this morning and within 2 hours of being on the road I was begging for Scottie from the Enterprise to beam me up and deposit me at my motel in Amarillo. But alas, it was seven hours from my starting point before I rolled into the motel and unloaded the dog, 2 cats, dog and cat food, cooler, food and my bag. Although it's like traveling with children, I can at least legally keep mine in cages while I go to the bathroom, register for my room and get something to eat. I'm sure there are parents out there who wish they could do the same.

     I am now safe and sound and vegetating in front of the TV watching Pirates of the Caribbean and drinking a beer. I'm proud of my animals as this is year two of our now annual trek and they have adapted quickly to our adventure. Anise, my little scaredy cat, hasn't hidden once and is currently kneading her blanket as she lies on the bed, ready to settle in for the night. Last year she never braved anything besides the underside of the bed. Cayenne, the other cat, is perched in the window checking out the other guests. She's quite the traveler and loves roaming free in the car. Her favorite perch for the ride is either the console next to me or on top of the cage, both places perfect for watching the passing truckers. Sharmin is crashed out in the corner snoring, pretty much what she's done all day. Our little menagerie is quite a sight and true entertainment for the other motorists.

    Tomorrow we're off to a little town north of Dallas to visit one of my very best friends for a couple of days. Nice to have friends who love me so much they are willing to welcome not only me but my three animals into their homes.

    So my plan is to provide you with interesting observations and entertaining stories along our journey. See y'all tomorrow (notice the Texas twang has already returned and I'm only 100 miles south of the Texas border).

GROWN BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS

    The saga continues.....At age 36 I was married for one year and living in Colorado. Those two events changed my life forever. I had wanted to be married since I had become an adult, but I would not compromise on who I married in order to be married. So waiting to meet Gary had tried my patience. Yet it turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me. For during my years with him, I have experienced the greatest of joys and the deepest of sorrows.

    Age 36-42 I meandered through life. The biggest question I had to make was whether to have a child or not. We tried. It didn't happen. So the next biggest decision was whether to go to any lengths to have a child. The answer? Nah! End of story.

    From age 40-46 I continued to climb the corporate ladder and finally in 1998 I became the Human Resources Manager for the Denver Division. It was what I had been working towards for many years. I worked lots of long hours, we went on lots of great vacations, and we bought land in the mountains to eventually build a cabin. Our dreams were all coming true. I also discovered Unity teachings during this period in my life and they opened a new avenue of spirituality to me that has served me very well now for many years. Then in 2001 I applied for and was chosen to be an HR Manager in Kazakhstan. Gary was all for it. I would make lots of money, we could travel on my off time (I worked 28 days on and 28 days off), and it would be an incredible experience. So off I went on my great adventure not realizing that while I was gone my husband would implode. The years between age 47 and 51 became very trying and difficult due to my husband's binge drinking (four major drunks in one year, then 2.5 yrs sober only to binge drink again until it killed him). But inside those years were also some incredible times, especially our trips to Spain, Hawaii, Italy, and a wonderful cruise to Mexico. But the stress took a huge toll on my body and when, in 2005 my husband died from complications due to his drinking, I had high blood pressure, osteoporosis, high cholesterol, and was the heaviest I had ever weighed. Yet, spiritually I was more balanced and knew myself better than I ever had in my life. Thank God. Because the next year of grieving my husband while starting a psychotherapy practice was very difficult and without my faith I'm not sure where I'd be today. Since then I have grown in leaps and bounds and now live life to the fullest, stay in the moments, and am not afraid to risk to get what I want. Ironically, I have those difficult years to thank for giving me the confidence to live in the freedom I live today.

    So what will the next 18 years bring? Without a crystal ball I have no idea. But I do know that Florida, writing and a life partner are all part of that future. I also know I'm looking forward to it with excitement and enthusiasm. I hope you'll come along.

FROM LOST TO BLOSSOMING

Yesterday I reviewed the first 18 years of my life. Today the saga continues through age 36. The highlights of those years?

Moved to Florida and started college at 18, dropped out at 20 (I was lost)

Moved to Portland, OR, went back to school (I was lost)

Both my parents died within 5 days of each other at age 22 (I was really lost)

Joined the army at age 23, moved to Germany, left the army at age 26 and moved to Houston (still lost)

Started working for Texaco in Human Resources (still lost)

Returned to school and FINALLY got my degree after going to 5 college (still lost but getting better)

Bought my first house at age 31 (sort of lost)

Found my spiritual path by age 32(budding)

Met my prince at age 33, married him at age 35 (budding)

Continued to work for Texaco, climbing the corporate ladder (starting to blossom)

Moved to Denver at age 36 (blossoming)

Today, as I explore the signposts of my life I see that during these middle years my main focus was on growing outwardly, into the external world. My path was the American dream. College degree, career, house, marriage. Yet internally I was emotionally lost. I had an inkling of the girl inside but didn't know how to let her out. I was too busy judging her and what others might think of her to see how precious she was. I spent so much time and energy running from her because she was "different" from the status quo and in my mind being "different" was bad. But alas, that "girl" wouldn't stay silent for long and poked her head out once in awhile to say, "Here I am world." Then the imposter, the person I thought I should be, stuffed her back into the closets until the next time she escaped. Finally, by the time I was 32, my faith in a Higher Power began to blossom, opening me to the world of spiritual growth that helped me discern what was true for me and what were distortions that no longer served me well.

Tomorrow, I will assess in the next 18 years of my life how, with much water and fertilizer, I've bloomed into the person I am today.

To be continued……

THIS IS MY LIFE

    I am three days away from making a major shift in my life, even if just for a few months. At moments like these I am reminded that an occasional review of my life assists me in assessing where I've been, what patterns have shifted and what patterns may still need to shift. So over the next three days, I will take a quick life review by dividing my age into three. Review #1: birth to eighteen.

    As Charles Dickens wrote in A Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."

    It was more memories than you will ever want to know. It was memories of deaths, embarrassments and joys.

    The big deaths? My paternal grandmother when I was six (don't remember her but remember the time around her funeral because my mother was bedridden due to menopause side effects). My 6 yr old neighbor when I was seven (he was a twin and his stitches came out after a tonsillectomy and he bled to death). I'm still a little afraid of stitches. My maternal grandmother when I was 15. I was never close to her and I felt no sadness when she died. But I felt guilty because I felt no sadness. Although my mother tried to assure me it was okay, I carried that guilt with me for several more years. It was a lesson on honoring my feelings for what they are, just feelings that come and go. My best friend's sister in a car accident when I was fifteen. The poem's my friend wrote afterwards were haunting and beautiful and helped me understand the pain and sorrow of death in a new way. Although I have become more comfortable with death, it still looms out in the future, frightening me occasionally.

    Embarrassments? In first grade, when the nun forced me to eat the hotdog and I made myself throw up. I'm still not fond of hotdogs. Plus I believe this was my first big "lie." Coming in as runner-up in cheerleading tryouts. From that incident I allowed myself to feel like a runner-up for years to come. I have worked hard to clear that crazy thought from my mind and today I no longer think like a runner-up. A boy once said, "Oh yuck," when he saw me after someone tried to set us up. That incident haunted me for years, as I thought I was too ugly for boys to like me. Today, the emotion of that moment is gone but I still remember the distorted conclusions I came to at the time and feel sorrow for that young girl and her insecurities. My father's drinking. Although there is not one incident that sticks out in my mind, it was the "secret" of it that bothered me. Over the years I learned that it's the "secrets" that will kill us.

    Joys? Being the flower girl in my sister's wedding, the bicycle I got for Christmas, my uncle, who lived in Japan, riding with me that next summer, the Operations game, hours and hours spent wandering the woods at our cabin, swimming in the lake, my dog and I whiling away the hours at the train trestle creek, leaving Catholic school behind, playing coronet in the band, vice president in honor society, singing with Madrigals at all the basketball games, playing Bloody Mary in South Pacific, vacations to Florida, long hours hanging with my girlfriends trying to solve the world's problems, journalism class, yearbook ad sales, moving to Florida with my parents after high school.

    These are just a highlight of the inexhaustible memories tuck inside my mind. Now looking back I can see patterns I have released. The lying (I was notorious for it in elementary school) and the insecurity (staring in the mirror as a teenager and coming up wanting). One's I still need to work on? The stubbornness (still hate to admit I'm wrong) and the independence (still have trouble asking for help although I am getting better at it). My favorite pattern I want to maintain? My positive attitude for which I thank my parents. Someone once called me Pollyanna and it took me years to realize it was a compliment (although they didn't mean it that way). Now I call it Faith and relish the strength it gave me through the good, the bad and the ugly. It still does.

    Tomorrow? Eighteen to Thirty six. See you then.......

NIGHTMARES

    Popping up from a dead sleep, Sierra's heart pounded against her ears like the percussion section of a marching band. Someone was in her room. Watching her. "Who's there?" she whispered. Silence. A slight tremor shook the bed. Footsteps shuffled across the carpet. "I know someone's there?" Her voice trembling like an old woman. Tick tock went the grandfather clock downstairs. No other sound. As if death had come to visit, a cold finger grazed her arm. A blood curdling scream climbed through her throat trying to escape only to be muffled behind a massive hand. Squirming to break free, shivers raced across her spine. "Oh my God," she cried into her panicked mind. "They've come back. They've come for me again!"

PEACE

    "Peace is flowing like a river. Flowing out of you and me. Spreading out into the desert. Setting all the captives free." Anonymous

    The word today is Peace. In the three inspirational books I read this morning, Peace was the theme. Obviously, peace is what I am to focus on today. I am at peace. It's addicting. When awareness notifies me I have misplaced my peace, I do whatever it takes to find it again. Most of the time that just means letting go....of fear, pride, anger, attachments. What does peace mean to me?

    Participating in awareness

    Every moment of the day

    Allowing myself to let go as I

    Co-create on my way, then I sit back and...

    Enjoy

    In the words of John Lennon, "All we are saying is give peace a chance." I think I'll give peace a chance today!

TIME TO RECOGNIZE MY POWER

    For several days now I've been debating on whether to send my book, Kiva and the Stone Nation, to other literary agents while I wait for a response to the one who has it now. For some reason I've had this unconscious belief that only one agent would want to sell my book. This morning I realized that I was limiting myself with this belief. Wouldn't it be nice if I sent it out to several agents and I had 2 or 3 who wanted to represent me. When that occurs I can choose the one that is most successful and also passionate about my work. After this revelation came to me I opened up a spiritual reading and this is what I saw: "Remember who you are: You are made in the image and likeness of your Creator....Don't be afraid of your power, your magnificence, or your wisdom."

    For so many years I have believed that life is something God gives me instead of my current belief that I co-create my life with God. After I changed this belief I had to ask myself, "What do I want my life to be?" Now that I have a good image of where I have come from, where I am, and where I want to go, it's time to take possession of it. Today I recognize my power and step into it.