ONE MERMAID'S WRITING DREAMS

The TAO TE CHING - VERSE 5

2012-02-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

Stephen Mitchell's interpretation of the Tao Te Ching: Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. Hold on to the center.

Lao-tsu: 5. 1. Heaven and earth do not act from (the impulse of) any wish to be benevolent; they deal with all things as the dogs of grass are dealt with. The sages do not act from (any wish to be) benevolent; they deal with the people as the dogs of grass are dealt with. 2. May not the space between heaven and earth be compared to a bellows?

Wayne Dyer's interpretation: Heaven and earth are impartial; they see the 10,000 things as straw dogs. The sage is not sentimental; he treats all his people as straw dogs. The sage is like heaven and earth: to him none are especially dear, nor is there anyone he disfavors. He gives and gives, without condition, offering his treasures to everyone. Between heaven and earth is a space like a bellows; empty and inexhaustible, the more it is used, the more it produces. Hold on to the center, Man was made to sit quietly and find the truth within.

Byron Katie's interpretation: The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil.

This week I thought for sure I'd have some serious discussion about judgment and not taking sides, about unconditional love & how important it is to accept everyone as they are. Then I sat down on the airplane today with a very loud man behind me who was getting on my nerves. My internal critics were working overtime as he grew louder and louder. And to make matters worse I couldn't drown him out with music because the flight attendant had just told us to put all electronic devices away. Talk about some serious issue with judgment, I thought. Then I read this passage from Byron Katie's interpretation of the Tao, "The Master can't take sides. She's in love with reality and reality includes everything." All at once I realized this verse of the Tao, for me anyway, really had nothing to do with judging a person or an object or even a situation, it has to do with being present, in the moment, no matter what comes my way.

I get it!

Just letting things be, going with the flow, finding the vibrational match to the moment is about something far greater than letting go of the critic, it’s about finding joy in EVERYTHING…even the loud man behind me. Not because he is pleasant or unpleasant, or because I have to love everyone or everything, or even to show unconditional love, but because every moment in time is a precious gift from the Creator and will never come this way again. So after I read the verse from Byran Katie, I chuckled, looked out the window at the magnificent clouds passing beneath us and relished that specific moment, loud man and all, until I was able to pop my earbuds into my ears and relish Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade.

So my goal for this week is to keep enjoying every moment in time, no matter what is happening in that moment, for there's only one unique moment like this coming our way and it's just too, too precious to intentionally miss. Thank you Source!

See you next week.

References:

Mitchell, Stephen (2009-10-13). Tao Te Ching (p. 6). Harper Collins, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

The Laozi (2009-10-04). The Tao Teh King, or the Tao and its Characteristics (Kindle Locations 29-30). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.

Mitchell, Stephen; Katie, Byron (2007-02-06). A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are (p. 13). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Dyer, Wayne Dr. 1 Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, Audio Version, (Disc 1)

THE TAO TE CHING – VERSE 4

2012-01-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

Stephen Mitchell’s interpretation of the Tao: Tao is like a well: used but never used up. It is like the eternal void: filled with infinite possibilities. It is hidden but always present. I don’t know who gave birth to it. It is older than God.

The next interpretation comes from a book called The Tao and its Character which is in public domain on The Kindle. 1. The Tao is (like) the emptiness of a vessel; and in our employment of it we must be on our guard against all fullness. How deep and unfathomable it is, as if it were the Honoured Ancestor of all things! 2. We should blunt our sharp points, and unravel the complications of things; we should attempt our brightness, and bring ourselves into agreement with the obscurity of others. How pure and still the Tao is, as if it would ever to continue! 3. I do not know whose son it is. It might appear to have been before God.

From Byron Katie’s interpretation comes: It is like the eternal void: filled with infinite possibilities.

She states, “it is like a bottomless well: you can always draw from it, and it will always give you the water of life. Because it is completely open and sees that nothing is true, it is filled with more possibilities than we can ever imagine.”

Wayne Dyer’s interpretation: The Tao is empty but inexhaustible, bottomless, the ancestor of all. Within it, the sharp edges become smooth; the twisted knots loosen; the sun is softened by a cloud; the dust settles into place. It is hidden but always present. I do not know who gave birth to it. It seems to be the common ancestor of all, the father of things.

Dr. Dyer wants us to live in the concept of infiniteness because the Tao is the source of all things and is infinite and that we should look at ourselves from the perspective that we also are infinite being living in a world of sharp edges and knots. He advises us to tap into the bottomless Tao and find the energy we need to do whatever it is we want. When we are struggling with problems we can tap into this bottomless and infinite Tao to find the answers. And at all times we should strive to be in the infinity that is hidden.

I love, love, love this verse. I have been trying for the last week to remember to ask the question “what should I do next?” instead of just knee-jerking my next actions out of habit. Some moments I have remembered and some moments I have not. Earlier in the week I was actually asking that question with everything I did. From what do I eat, to which yoga poses will I practice, to what shall I work on now. As the week progressed and I found myself in the weekend, I asked less and less because it was all about having fun and not thinking. But I did find myself remembering to let go and relax in the moments which is always a plus for me.

I can’t say that asking the question, “what should I do next?” made a profound difference in my life as I do not know whether, when I took one route home versus another I avoided an accident or not, or if I would have eaten any differently than I did. But I do know that I was more productive. I’m working on getting organized after a year of being very disorganized and I’m working on finding receipts for some tax work I need to get done. I’ve been putting these two actions off for weeks and after doing the Tao and asking “what next?” I have, as of today, found most of the receipts I need and I’ve cleared out a huge pile of papers that have been staring me in the face. Plus I feel better, more calm. Why? Because I know that if I ask the question, “What next?” and I trust that this infinite bottomless Tao exists, then I’m always tapping into that higher perspective of infinite possibilities and I’m always moving in the best possible direction for me.

So my goal this week? To continue my practice of asking the question, “What next?” so that I can train my brain not to react out of habit but to actually tap into this bottomlessness that Lao Tzu called the Tao and “to be” in the Infiniteness at all times. Happy tapping!

References:

Mitchell, Stephen (2009-10-13). Tao Te Ching (p. 6). Harper Collins, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

The Laozi (2009-10-04). The Tao Teh King, or the Tao and its Characteristics (Kindle Locations 29-30). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.

Mitchell, Stephen; Katie, Byron (2007-02-06). A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are (p. 13). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Dyer, Wayne Dr. 1 Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, Audio Version, (Disc 1)

THE TAO TE CHING – VERSE 3

2012-01-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Wayne Dyer’s interpretation: Putting a value on status will create contentiousness. If you overvalue possessions, people begin to steal. By not displaying what is desirable, you will cause the people’s hearts to remain undisturbed. The sage governs by emptying minds and hearts, by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones. Practice not doing....When action is pure and selfless, everything settles into its own perfect place.

According to Dr. Dyer this verse of the Tao is about living contentment instead of being led by the ego’s fixation on getting more. Rather than seeking more, practice gratitude. It’s also about not seeking to do but seeking to be. This verse is about practicing not doing and then trusting that all will settle into a perfect place. Some might say this is lazy but Lao-tzu was not talking about being slothful or inactive but about being guided by a higher principle and getting the ego out of the way. Dr. Dyer asks us to allow what’s within to come forward. To remind ourselves daily that there is no way to happiness, rather happiness is the way. We need to bring happiness to every encounter instead of thinking outer events will bring joy. Stop pushing to get things done or obtain objects but feel gratitude and awe for what is right here in this moment. Remember that the Tao took care of everything in our creations and first 9 months of life and that it will do the same today. What we’re being asked is why not do the Tao in every situation?

Stephen Mitchell’s interpretation: If you over esteem great men, people become powerless. If you overvalue possessions, people begin to steal. The Master leads by emptying people’s minds and filling their cores, by weakening their ambition and toughening their resolve. He helps people lose everything they know, everything they desire, and creates confusion in those who think that they know. Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.

Byron Katie’s interpretation: Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.

Ms. Katie suggests that the Master leads simply by being. That if we allow reality to unfold it will bring with it more beauty, more luxury, more exquisite surprises than the imagination could ever devise. So that if we allow life to flow like water, we in essence become that water, always giving us what we need.

What comes to mind for me in this third verse of the Tao Te Ching is an area I struggle with constantly. Trusting in God. Not just believing that God will provide but trusting God by letting go of the worries, fears and desires in my life and knowing that no matter what may come, all will be well. Trusting that by listening to the “small still voice” inside of me I will be guided in everything I will ever what or need. And I mean EVERYTHING. Oh I’m pretty good at listening to my higher power when I’m feeling troubled. I’ve learned over my many years here on earth that the best way for me to solve any of my problems is to listen to that “small still voice” for God always has a much higher view of what’s going on than I do. I’ve even become pretty good at trusting in God when it comes to the big ticket items I desire in my life, like moving to a warmer climate and finding ways to make a living. But what I’m not so good at is actually stopping to listen before I make any decision, like what to eat for dinner, or whether to buy something at the store or not, or whether to take a particular trip, or even what direction I should go when I’m driving somewhere. Yet those are also situations where we can call upon our higher power to help us. For at a higher perspective every action we take or every direction we head can become more enjoyable when we let go and let God. So this is my goal for the week. To not make any decisions until I pause and touch the sleeve of God to ask, “Which way is the best way?” and see what happens. Join me; it should be a fun exercise to try.

Here’s a piece of bible trivia in case you are wondering where the saying “small still voice” come from. It is in the bible verse 1 Kings 19:12. And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

THE TAO TE CHING – VERSE 2

2012-01-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

Wayne Dyer’s interpretation: Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty, only because there is ugliness. All can know good as good only because there is evil. Being and nonbeing produce each other. The difficult is born in the easy. Long is defined by short, the high by the low. Before and after go along with each other. So the sage lives openly with apparent duality and paradoxical unity. The sage can act without effort and teach without words. Nurturing things without possessing them, he works, but not for rewards; he competes, but not for results. When the work is done, it is forgotten. That is why it lasts forever.

According to Dyer what Lao-Tzu is saying is that in order to be a sage one must live the paradox of unity. Have you ever realized that in order to have beauty we must believe in something called ugly. That without death we could not have life. Yet the oneness in the Tao is about living with the apparent duality of everything. In our humanness we have created these opposites which allow us to judge. But if we look to the trees, the flowers and the animals, they know nothing of duality. Unity is reality, life and death are identical. He asks us to allow ourselves to hold those opposite thoughts without letting them cancel us out. We are both the Tao and the 10,000 things. In other words we are both the Divine and human. He asks us to turn within and sense the texture of misunderstanding instead of trying to be right or wrong.

Stephen Mitchell’s interpretation: People see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.

Byron Katie uses only the first line of the second verse: When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Her focus is on how no one has more or less goodness. No one who ever lived is a better or a worse human being than you. Beware of a mind that doesn’t question its judgments.

As part of my interpretation of this verse I decided to pay attention to my judgments this week. I began my week in Denver where it was cold and snowy.Warm being good and cold being bad are part of my judgment system. Now yes, I do prefer warm over cold but that does not mean that one is better than the other. Snowing and clear are definitely opposites. Last Wednesday morning as the weather turned to snow I was calling it bad in my head, then I reminded myself that if I see the negative I will call more negative to me. So I thought of all the good benefits of snow. Good moisture, pretty, good for the ski areas, thus Colorado’s economy. Another judgment I made was that my commute to work that morning was bad because of the ice on the road and all the accidents and sliding I was witnessing. Then I remembered that as I have the Divine inside me as well as the human, I called upon my guardian angels to protect me on my drive. They did a splendid job. And anytime I am forced to focus on the higher realm I know that I am living with my highest good in mind. The enlightened masters let things happen without labeling them good or bad. Wednesday morning was a good indication I am not quite at the enlightened master level…Yet J

As I continued throughout the week to listen to Wayne Dyer’s explanation of this second verse many thoughts came to mind. The most relevant for me was this concept of duality which in turn creates, in the human mind, a need to judge. And the person I judge the most is me. So I told myself to “STOP IT”. Easier said than done. My head is filled with the “shoulds” and “should nots” I have learned since the day I was born. They are all judgments. Yet if I allow myself to do what is right for me in each moment I am more alive and aware of each experience. So I allowed myself to exercise when I wanted not because I’m told I should in order to be healthy. I ate what I wanted when I wanted not because I’m told what I eat is good or bad for me but because I like the taste of it. If I wanted to sit on my couch and watch TV all day then I allowed myself to do so. After a few days what I noticed was how, when taking the judgment out of every action or non-action I actually accomplished more. Yes sometimes I didn’t exercise and sometimes I ate popcorn and candy and drank an extra glass of wine, things considered unhealthy. Some days I spent time in activities that have been judged as lazy or wasteful, other days I was quite productive. Without judgment I found that in the long run I was balancing my time with a variety of actions and options. I was less stressed and feeling peace and happiness.

At a deeper level I realized that it is in our judgments that we create good and bad, right and wrong, should and should not. And when we have judgment we have this need to make ourselves right and others wrong wanting others to live the way we think they should. These judgments create the conditions for anger, violence and war. If I drop the judgments and see the Divine in each human (and yes contrary to what many people think, every living soul is Divine) then I find I can transcend the judgment and unconditionally love.

I can’t help but think of the words of Jesus Christ to sum up what I’ve learned this week in the Tao. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”

THE TAO TE CHING – VERSE 1

2012-01-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

Verse 1 as interpreted by Stephen Mitchell:

The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.

Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same source. This source is called darkness.

Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding.

Byron Katie speaks only to the first two sentences. She states, “Before you name anything, the world has not things in it, no meaning. There’s nothing but peace in a wordless, questionless world. It’s the space where everything is already answered, in joyful silence.” In my interpretation I hear her say that we get in our way by naming/labeling everything. Ms. Katie also says, “There’s nothing serious about life and death.” To me that means we have taken the unnamable and given it a name, life and death. Yet there is no life and no death if we don’t name it that. Life and death is finite. The unnamed is infinite. I think I prefer that there is no life and death, just eternity. I know when my husband, Gary died he wasn’t really dead, he was just no longer in physical human form. The entity I knew as Gary continued on. I believe that to the bottom of my soul. I know he is still around just in another dimension. That is why I believe in eternity. That which can be named is not eternal. All energy, in whatever form, is eternal.

Verse 1 as interpreted by Wayne Dyer:

The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name.

The Tao is both named and nameless. As nameless it is the origin of all things; as named it is the Mother of 10,000 things.

Ever desireless, one can see the mystery; ever desiring, one sees only the manifestations. And the mystery itself is the doorway to all understanding.

In my audio version of Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, Wayne Dyer states that paradoxical thinking is imbedded in eastern thinking; like Yin & Yang, this and that, good and bad. And in the same vein, desiring and desirelessness are two different things. What the Tao is asking us to do is cultivate a practice of being in the mystery and allowing it to flow through us. We must find our own personal way of living the Tao. Dr. Dyer’s advice to us is to first just enjoy the mystery. Let the world unfold without trying to figure it all out. Don’t constantly try to figure others out, just allow them to be. Then he goes on to ask us to let go of labeling everything. Nothing in this Universe is what it is named. The word water is not water and nothing can truly be described by words. He asks us to bask in the magnificence of what is seen and sensed instead of just experiencing the word. One exercise is to stop occasionally and ask ourselves where we are on the continuum of desiring and allowing, reminding ourselves that often desires are more about what we “think” should be not what really is.

I’d like to say that I spent every day of this week thinking about this first verse of the Tao and what it is teaching me. But the truth is, I had momentary flashes of awareness but most of my week was spent either experiencing my houseguests or catching up on things I had neglected while my houseguests were visiting. But I did write a couple of observations in my journal and I will share them now.

“This verse reminds me of the Quantum Physics concept that a quark has infinite possibilities of where it might be but the minute you focus your attention on it, the quark changes. Like manifestation. Everything is in energy form until we focus our attention and our energy on it and then it begins to manifest. My living in Florida in the winter was just a possibility until I focused my attention on it. Then it became a reality. The manifestation is only a piece or possibility of the eternal not the actual eternity of possibilities.”

Later in the week I wrote, “I long to be the namelessness even though I have no idea what that means. But some desire pulls at me to come to it. I have named the nameless God, Creator, Source, and a Power greater than myself, but in naming it I have limited it. What calls to me (deep in my physical heart and deep in my soul) is more than what we humans have tried to define. Today I will try to look at everything I have named and see if I can look beyond the name. Like later this afternoon when I go to the doctor. Let’s see if I can look beyond the doctor and see the person and look beyond the person and see the nameless eternal.”

Again, I would like to say that I spent the whole day looking beyond the labels. At first I did. I poured my coffee and thought of how the coffee was a combination of water and coffee beans and then progressed backwards to the coffee plant and the grower and the dirt and the air and the rain that helped produce the coffee bean in Africa (I was drinking decaf Sumatra). I believe I was able to continue that thought with the eggs I ate and the soymilk I added to my coffee. Then of course I got distracted and my awareness went out the window. I never even made it to staying aware of the doctor. I admit that I did see her more than just a doctor, mainly because she was about 20 years younger than me and the younger the professionals are the harder it is for me to see them as anything but youngster :) But I did not stay in my awareness enough to even ask myself who she was outside of being my doctor other than remembering her comment that when she goes to the beach she goes to Sanibel Island not Fort Myers Beach.

Today I felt pulled to what Wayne Dyer spoke about desire. Desire is a paradox to me. Most of my life I have been taught that desire is bad because I should be happy with what I have not constantly wanting more. Yet in my metaphysical studies I have learned to look at desire with different eyes. Since we co-create our reality our process isn’t about not desiring but desiring because it is what I want and what is best for me. But sometime I need to acknowledge that I desire something because I’m afraid of not having it or I’m feeling miserable bout my present situation. One of my current desires is to find a gentleman to share my life with. Sometimes I know that I truly desire this because I want to get to know someone better and because I love the feeling of loving another human being in that close, intimate way. But sometimes I have this desire because I am lonely or scared of what it will be like to be alone when I am too old to take care of myself. Just as Dr. Dyer suggests, sometimes our desires come from what we “think” is right for us. Thus desire is not right or wrong it is more about what serves me well and what hinders me.

The metaphysical beliefs I have learned sometimes confuse me because if I take these beliefs literally, I learn that if I don’t focus on what I desire I might get something I don’t want. Yet in reality, sometime I desire and sometimes I want to just see what is going to happen. Spiritually I think this is the best course to take. In my eclectic belief system I know that often I limit myself when I do not sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. My Higher Power usually has a better view of what’s going on than I do in my limited perspective, so for me it is knowing about when to desire and when to be desireless.

I once heard that the word desire comes from the latin, de sire, which means from the father. Somehow this comforted me. If I listen to "the Father" I know what my true desire is. Then I went out to Etymonline and here’s what I found to be the origin of this word: Early 13th century from Old French, desirer, from Latin, desiderare, "long for, wish for" with the original sense meaning "await what the stars will bring," from the phrase de sidere "from the stars," which comes from sidris "heavenly body, star or constellation."

So if I believe the Universe is made up of everything in the heavens (stars) and the earth one might believe the nameless to be the Universe. In that interpretation then maybe desire does mean “from the Father.” Whatever desire means, I do know that for me the best place to be is in the middle, balancing my desires with letting go and allowing myself to “go with the flow.” Maybe if I let go and listen to the nameless I will hear the true desire of the Universe for me and then can flow into that desire effortlessly.

A NEW SPIRITUAL ADVENTURE IN A NEW YEAR

2012-01-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

It has been several months since I have written anything in this blog. Life sometimes gets in the way. But now I'm back ready to start a new adventure...an adventure of the soul.

A week ago, I began reading a book by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell titled A Thousand Names for Joy, in which Ms. Katie takes Stephen Mitchell’s English interpretation of the contents of the Tao Te Ching and speaks to them in her own words and her own experiences in order to help explain what she believes were the author’s intentions. The Tao Te Ching is a collection of verses written by Lao-tzu during the 5th century B.C. The title loosely translated means, The Book of the Way. It is theorized that Lao-tzu was the archive keeper in a small kingdom of what is now known as China. Whether this was his true profession or not cannot be verified over so many centuries, but no matter what his profession, what I know in my heart, is that he (or she) was an extremely wise person. Many believe (as do I) that The Tao Te Ching is one of the great wonders of the world.

After reading the first chapter of A Thousand Names for Joy, I sat and meditated on what I had read, which is my usual practice. In this particular meditation I was guided to begin a new spiritual practice in the New Year. I will read the Tao interpretation by Stephen Mitchell and listen to a recording I also possess of Wayne Dyer’s interpretation and explanation of the Tao and then read Byron Katie’s interpretation. I will study and meditate on one verse each week and will then write a blog each Monday (although in my flexibility I won’t hold myself to a strict schedule) in order to describe how each verse pertains to me. I am not writing this blog because I want others to read it. Those who do read it will come to it because they are curious or because their own spiritual guides have brought them here. Instead this is an exercise in spiritual growth for me; a way to channel my thoughts and actions throughout the week in order to help me change or not change, to make me think and analyze whether I agree or not with the Tao and to examine what I may be resisting and why, or what may resonate with me and why. So on and so on, or as the King of Siam said in movie, The King & I, “etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.”

If by chance a reader feels so inclined, I would love for them to share their thoughts, comments, concerns, etcetera, with me as your agreement or dissention is a great way for me to expand my own perceptions of this illusion we call life. So today I will begin my reading of Verse 1 and start the meditation and growth process. I will see you next week as I expound upon my personal experience with the Tao. With excited anticipation I say to you, let the journey begin………….

A BUDDHIST RETREAT FROM A NON-BUDDHIST PERSPECTIVE - PART 3

2011-09-09T14:39:00.000-06:00

     Today I continue my journal on my experience at the Thich Nhat Hanh retreat in Estes Park, CO in August. I begin with my usual gratitude list.
     I am grateful for Thich Nhat Hanh, for a beautiful day in Colorado, for the sleep this a.m., for the nourishing food, for beautiful people. For these and all my blessings thank you Creator.
     Today is day 2 of the retreat and I've gotten off to an interesting start. First I had trouble getting to sleep last night but I didn't allow myself to be stressed. Everything is always fine just the way it is. Then my roommate woke me at 5:30 a.m. because we'd overslept. Well there was no way I was going to be able to get dressed and be at the sitting meditation in fifteen minutes so I rolled over and went back to sleep.  1 hour later, I dressed and went to breakfast. I thought I was doing pretty good on my mindfulness eating until the coffee overflowed my cup and I spilled it everywhere. Ah such is life :) But the day is improving. I'm sitting out in the sun looking at beautiful Longs Peak. Gorgeous!!! If there is no God I wonder who dreamed up these mountains.
     One of the things waking up late did for me is remind me that I'm a metaphysicist, a believer in New Thought, not a Buddhist. I don't have to get up early...I'm pausing because the teens are on a walking meditation and have paused behind me to look at the magnificent mountains...An way, back to my new thought...I believe that life doesn't have to be hard if you just go with the flow. I'm not a morning person so getting up at 5 a.m. is grueling for me. But I CHOOSE to get up because I love the energy of being in a room full of like-minded people who are meditating. But then, if the alarm doesn't go off, who am I to get upset because I didn't meditate in a room full of people. I can meditate anytime. Which I plan to do right now...Back in a few minutes....
     Now I am in the Assembly Hall. Like me, many people came early to get a good seat. Of course the only really good seats are right up front where you have to sit on pillows. Not for me. I'll come back to my writing soon since they have started the singing.
     Teachings of Thay:
      Every home should have a bell to ring occasionally and when the bell rings everyone should stop, cease talking and breathe in and out 3 times. In the 21st century every home should have a meditation hall with a bell, cushions & a pot of flowers. Call it The Breathing Room: it is the territory of the Buddha.
      Pebble Meditation (the 4 pebbles):
      Breathing In I see myself as a flower
      Breathing out I feel free
      Breathing In I see myself as a mountain
      Breathing out I feel solid
      Breathing in I see myself as water
      Breathing out I feel myself reflecting what is true, what is real
      Breathing in I see myself as space
      Breathing out I feel freedom
Thay took a drink and said "Yesterday it was a cloud, today it is my tea."
      Sidebar: While I was eating I would set my fork or spoon on the tray and wait while I chewed. Crazily at first my hand kept twitching as if it wanted to touch the fork.
       Back to the teachings:
       Meditators can see many things that others can not see: They can see the seed of corn in the tall stalk of corn. When you look at a child you can see their mother and their father: (I think of my new great-niece Jade - the newest addition to our family. She contains so much of both Keely and Phil.) Paradise is the weather inside the mother's womb. You can be angry with your father and say you don't want to have anything to do with him but what you say is funny. Your father is always inside of you.
        We carry all our ancestors inside us. Genetics, minerals, vegetables and animal ancestors are all inside of us. - Buddha, Jesus - nothing can die, everything carries on in different forms.
         Walking meditations with peace, joy, mindfulnesss and insight can heal Mother Earth. Take only one step and say "I have arrived." Let go of the past, let go of the future and if you have not arrived don't take another step. THE MIRACLE IS TO WALK ON EARTH.
          (In my estimation Thay is healing the divide between Buddhism and Christianity by living in the here and now. He does not shy away from talking about Jesus's teachings. HOORAY!)
           Breath in - I have arrived, arrived
           Breath out - I am home, home, home
           This means that in the present moment I am in the Kingdom of God, I am in the Buddha land.
           Suffering is necessary but too much/overdosing is not good. If you are a psychotherapist you should not just allow your client to talk only about the suffering but to express what is positive in them too.
          PRACTICING MINDFULNESS:
          1. Breath In
          2. Breath Out
          3. Recognize the body
          4. Release tension in the body - our body is like the tree; in the time of storm (or strong emotions) we must bring attention down below the navel (the trunk) and breath deep into the trunk. When we feel the storm coming we might want to lie down or sit and put our fingers on our abdomen and concentrate on our breathing - in & out. The area of our being is large and the emotion is very small - just one part of who we are. It is good to learn the practice of deep breathing before the emotions or storm arise.
         5. Touch the sorrow inside you
         6. Bring yourself to joy and happiness
         7. Recognize the power fulling
         8. Embrace the painfulness with the image of mindfulness - if you are new to mindfulness practice and can not yet touch the pain, you can sit in your Sangha and they will provide you with the healing energy needed to touch your pain. Every practitioner should learn to take refuge in their Sangha and receive nourishment. (To me my close friends support me like a sangha). Collecting energy from a sangha allows people to embrace their pain and sorrows.
          9. Become aware of what happens in our mind - the mental formation - a flower is a formation of many non flower elements. Anger and fear are mental formations. There are 51 categories of mental formations, both negative and positive. They sit inside us like seeds. The totality of the seeds are all within us and we can turn to any one of the 51 channels inside of us. When the seed is watered it grows into the mind consciousness and becomes a mental formation. Our mind (consciousness) is a river of mental formations and mindfulness is the practice of sitting on the river bank and observing the mental formations as they form and go.
          10. To energize our mind - to make the landscape of our mind more beautiful. Taking the positive formations and decorating our consciousness with these seeds then grow them.
               Practice of Right Diligence - 4 aspects
                     1. Don't touch the seeds of negativity - we have the seeds inside of us but don't water them. Many television shows can water the negative seeds such as anger, fear, despair, jealousy.
                     2. If a negative seed grows send it home - you can do this by bringing another positive seed up (change the channel - invite something good to come in).
                     3. Bring the positive seeds up. Do things to help nurture and grow the positive seeds so they become good mental formations, so that the mind is filled with beautiful formations (coming to this retreat, meditating daily, yoga, prayer, mindfulness) water only the flowers not the weeds that strangle the flowers.
                    4. Once the good seed has manifested into a mental formation try to keep it in the consciousness as long as possible - Practice of the transformation at the base (my thoughts: strengthening the neuronetworks for the positive - learned happiness)
        11. Concentrating the mind
        12. Liberating the mind

     Now I head to the walking meditation. My plan is to walk at the back of the group today instead of the front to experience another view. I just realized how hungry I am. Portion control was part of my breakfast. It has already taken hold of my body. Maybe I'll increase my portion tomorrow morning.
     Many experiences came to me at the back of the bus. First I really wasn't in any hurry whatsoever. I really got into the motion of the walking. Breathing In "I have arrived." Breathing out "I am home."
     The weather is spectacular and the clouds are so low you can almost touch them. Of course, I am up at 8000 feet so that might have something to do with why the seem so close...they are. At the back of the group I could see the magnitude of the 900 people practicing mindfulness walking.
     When we arrived at the clearing where Thay stopped I never saw him, but I saw the trees and the mountains and the flowers and the sage and the people watching Thay. Here's a big lesson I learned today: Breathing In and out and being aware of your steps doesn't mean you are in the NOW. I was watching a guy really take in a tree and in that instant I was transported to my cabin and all the wonderful walks I have taken there, so many of them in mindfulness. Then I became aware of my suffering (sorrow at the selling of the cabin, sorrow at my dog's death, my husband's death, the complete change in my whole past life).   I was no longer in the NOW. I was definitely in the past. Then I remembered Thay's teachings to breathe and to embrace the sorrow and I became aware that I have the choice of being in the past or having that same cabin experience right now in the present. So I breathed in and changed my perspective to the present, which reminded me (through insight) that I have these wonderful joyful memories of those times at the cabin and that I can in the future (Source willing) have many more beautiful mountain cabin experiences to come...just not the same cabin. Yea! I am definitely learning something (smile). Now it is time to eat!!!
     I am at a meeting on touching mindfulness in our spiritual ancestors. Thay states that he did not come to the west to convert everyone to Buddhism. He came for us to learn mindfulness in our current spiritual practice. Our spiritual traditions bring us a depth of our humanness and the potential for our own breakthroughs. One of the speakers talked of Theresa of Avila and the mystical traditions of Catholicism and how they have shaped our lives. Evidence is coming out that contemplative practices evolve our neurological evolution. (Sidebar: I thank my mother for having her own form of contemplativeness for she taught me to see the mystical in everything and to pray to the God within me. I have to remember to forgive the humanness of religions because they are only as divine as humans are divine and since no human is perfect....enough said. (This concept was something my sister taught me. Thanks Anne!). Spirituality isn't about belief it's about PRACTICE. What you embody in your every day life. Spirituality is NOT ABOUT DOGMA.
    The day has been nonstop and I still find myself thinking about Mindfulness practice. Not about the practices of Buddha but the practices taught by Thay, which encompass not only the Buddhist traditions but all traditions that encourage meditation and mindfulness. The encouraging thing to me about being at this retreat is the number of men here. It warms my heart to know that there are men out there who have a spiritual practice who don't necessarily have to be recovering alcoholics.
     I just picked up a flyer for this same type of retreat being held in Ireland in April 2012. I may just have to think about attending.
    I am sitting in the meditation hall waiting for the talk on the 5 mindfulness trainings. My head is full and I'm not sure what more I can put into it. (I left early because to me so much of the Buddhist trainings are focused on "suffering" and I prefer to focus on the positive "goodness" in life. I believe there is no good and no bad, everything is what it is. Humanity puts the judgment on everything.    Besides I'm not planning to give up meat and alcohol anytime soon and I no longer want to "give up" anything. For me I will use the Buddhist teachings to enrich my metaphysical beliefs not the other way around.)
    I applaud the people who have changed their lives through the Buddhist beliefs and I will use the meditation practices and leave the rest. See my aversion to the Buddhist religion (though Buddhists tell me they aren't a religion but a practice) goes back to my aversion to anything overly organized.
     It's been a great day and I've enjoyed all that I've learned and I'm ready for sleep and tomorrows adventures. Nighty Night!

A BUDDHIST RETREAT FROM A NON-BUDDHIST PERSPECTIVE

2011-09-02T13:26:00.000-06:00

     Today's blog is a continuation of my experience at the Thich Nhat Hanh retreat at the YMCA camp in Estes Park, CO from August 19th - 24th, 2011. The following is from Saturday, August 20th, Day 2 of the incredible retreat as I wrote about my experiences in my personal journal. At the start of all my journal entries I write 5 items that make me grateful. So I will begin with my gratitude list that day.
     I am grateful for a wonderful night's sleep, for a new friendship, for the clear, awesome mountain air, for all these peaceful people, for love in my heart. For these and all my spectacular bounty I thank you Creator.
     I had a wonderful night's sleep, early morning rise and meditation, then yoga. Now I head to breakfast and "COFFEE." I'm not used to this early morning stuff but hey, it's good for me. Without my Internet I didn't stay up so late so I received plenty of sleep.
     It's interesting how I get this sense of Catholicism in the Zen practice. I wonder if this is how the early Christians practiced and the dogma just slowly got out of hand with the church's power and greed. I have to admit I'm not overly fond of the ceremony side of all this but then I've never been a big "ceremony" type person. I didn't even go to my 3 college graduations because I dislike ceremony.  I must admit that I do love the silence though. I'm off now to mindfully eat. More later.
      Here's a mind dump from Thay's talk. No being and being - Suffering & Happiness - Father, Son & Holy Spirit is the same as Buddha, Dharma, & Sangha, and the same as Body, Mind, & Environment. Here's an exercise Thay stepped us through: Breath In - Breath Out, Follow Your breath In & Out, Be mindful of your body while breathing in and out, Touch the sorrow inside you, Bring yourself to Joy, Bring yourself to Happiness. (I'm missing one step: oh well, I'll get it later).
      Observations during walking meditation with Thay. I wished that my husband, Gary, were there with me. I felt the sadness that he was not here. I felt the gratitude to him for if I had not met and married him I would probably not be at a Buddhist retreat. Not that he was Buddhist but he did open my perspective to eastern spirituality. I loved being in the middle of a group of people who are mindfully walking. The nonconformist in me had to step outside the crowd for awhile and follow my own path. Following Thay felt uncomfortable from this recovering Catholic. I don't follow any One person as I am eclectic in my spiritual pursuits. There are lots of people taking pictures. I have to wonder: If Jesus were alive today would lots of people be taking his picture?
      When Thay stopped, sat on the ground and mindfully meditated with the children I got the sense of what it must have felt like when all the people came to listen to Jesus. Thay certainly has touched the Buddha (Christ Spirit) within him. After the thought crossed my mind I became uncomfortable because he is a human like ALL the rest of us. He's just better practiced at touching the Universal Spirit inside him. I watched how the other monks & nuns protect Thay and it reminded me of what I have read about the disciples protecting Jesus. Those humans who have touched the Christ/Buddha Spirit so deeply are vulnerable to those who would take advantage of them.
      I am sitting in a wonderful moment as I watch this extremely fat chipmunk on the patio below my room's balcony. I hope it doesn't starve this winter when the tourists are gone because obviously it has become a junk food junky. Oh wait, there are tourists here all year round. That's good news for that very fat chipmunk.
      I am off to mindfully eat lunch in silence, then I will go make joyful music to the Lord, or Source in my vocabulary. Tonight I want to write about the belief concepts concerning non being and well being. It intrigues me and I want to consider it further. Dying and Birth two sides of the same coin. Oops the chipmunk is back. Starving and Fat - Hungry and Full. The flower is made up of non-flower parts. I am made up of nonhuman parts. The mind boggles and all is well. (The mindfulness bell on my phone just rang. Before the retreat I would have stopped for a moment and thought about the moment. Now today (Sept. 2nd) I stop and breath in and breath out 3 times, following my breath all the way through: Now back to the journal entry).
      This afternoon I attended a touch the earth meditation with Sister Chan Khong. Here are my notes, taken before the meditation actually began. Be still and Know, Be Sumatra and see clearly. Qualities of Touching the Earth meditation: Understanding deeply - remember that people are the fruit of their environment. Great Compassion - looking and feeling and seeing beyond the unkindness. Love Greatly - The earth can absorb greatly all that we give it. Treasures of the Earth
      How to Transform the fear of death. Use the 3 ancestors: Blood ancestors, Environmental ancestors, Spiritual ancestors. (The meditation was powerful. With each ancestor group we meditated on them, then touched the earth to get rid of any emotional baggage from them.)
      I am exhausted. I took my bathing suit with me thinking I would swim but then I participated in the deep relaxation and touch the earth meditations I came close to falling asleep. I realized then that I did not want to exhaust myself with swimming. Maybe I'll try tomorrow. MAYBE is the operative word.
      It is a gorgeous day and I feel very refreshed, yet exhausted so I'm just going to enjoy the rest of the evening in whatever way I can and come back to the room and crash. I went to the music group after lunch and enjoyed singing. I played my native flute when they were playing in the key of C. If I had known about the music sessions I would have brought one of my drums. Tomorrow I will possibly lead a song with my flute. We'll see. I know me, I play something different every time I play the flute.
     It is time for dinner. A few minutes ago I wasn't hungry yet now I am. I'm not overly fond of being vegan, but what the hey, it's only for a few days. Let's see what dinner has to offer.
     Now dinner is over. I didn't mind the tofu fajitas and I loved the guacamole. As I was walking around I was feeling very lonely and I started to go with the pity party of why I don't have someone in my life, why I don't allow people to touch me deeply. But that is such an untrue statement, it almost makes me gag. (smiley face). I have some wonderfully dear friends who I have opened up to and bore my soul with, especially when it came to Gary's death. So how I could say that I don't open up to others is ridiculous.  As I walk and am mindful I'm thrilled to realize that I don't have to fall for that drivel in my head.
     I like how I've gotten so caught up in this wonderful Buddhist retreat that I want to buy a meditation pillow. NOT! I do not want to convert to Buddhism. I like being a Unitic/Metaphysicist/believer in the Universal One. That does not mean I don't believe in the Buddha Spirit, I do...as much as I believe in the Christ Spirit. I think where I am is just perfect for where I am. I love how I get so passionately wrapped up in whatever it is I am experiencing. I do know though, that I will probably never eat the same again, yet I have a long way to go to eat mindfully like some of the people I have watched here. More on that later...
     While I wait for my so called Dharma group to arrive I will talk a little more about the eating. Portion control, that is one of the major things I'm learning and one of the major issues in my life. I ate three square meals today. No meat and no cheese and yet I am stuffed. Crazy stuffed. One reason I'm stuffed is because I am bloated by all the veggies and beans. But the other reason is because I was thinking that I would have to eat more in order to stay full. WRONG!!
      Well I just went to my Dharma discussion a half hour early and was sitting there wondering why no one was showing up. Oh well, it's a beautiful evening to sit at the picnic table and write. So back to the food discussion: My portion size is the mindfulness I want to work on. By this evening's meal I ate much less than I would have 2 days ago. Mind you I'm still not overly fond of all the vegan stuff but it definitely is filling. (Right at this moment I have pine sap on my arm because the picnic table where I'm sitting has pine sap on it. My first thought was that it was marshmallow left over by some previous campers....until I smelled it. I guess I have food on my brain.)
      So back into Mindfulness. The air has grown chilly. I'll have to put my jacket on soon. My Dharma Group is in the Arkansas Room and it is for people from Florida, Georgia, North Carolina and South Carolina. I don't remember signing up for the geographic group....although I sort of remember.
     There are some serious Buddhists here. To bad I'm not a Buddhist or I'd join a Sangha. Maybe I will anyway so I can meet some like-minded people. I don't have to become Buddhist to practice Zen meditation. More about that later.
     It is interesting that I made the above comment as the entire discussion in the Dharma discussion group had to do with the comments Thay made about the Kingdom of God, which was confusing to those who practice Buddhism. Yet it was very exciting for me to hear the parallelism of Jesus and Buddha's teachings'. I still believe that during those unrecorded years of Jesus's life he may have visited the wise men from the east and picked up some of the eastern spiritualism.
     This has been a very exciting day and I'm looking forward to more tomorrow. Oh yeah, in my Dharma group there is a lady from Fort Myers who belongs to a Mindfulness Group in Naples. I'm going to definitely talk to her about it tomorrow. Thank you Source for this magnificent day of love and peace and sharing. I look with joy and happiness to more of the same tomorrow. Thank you for bringing Thich Nhat Hanh into my life. He is truly A MASTER! AHO!

A BUDDHIST RETREAT FROM A NON-BUDDHIST PERSPECTIVE

2011-08-25T15:22:00.000-06:00

     I spent the last 5 days in the Rocky Mountains at the YMCA camp in Estes Park, CO. I was attending a Mindfullness Retreat presented by the buddhist monasteries of Thich Nhat Hahn. It was an incredible experience for me and I would like to share all of it with you. I wrote nonstop in my journal those 5 days and I will regurgitate each day's information in a journal entry every week over the next several weeks so that I can savor the information for awhile. In this blog I will present the teachings of Thay (as his monks and nuns call him) from my perspective (since it's the only one I have first hand) then I'll give you my own commentary of what is going on, mostly based from my own beliefs as a non-buddhist. I think Buddhism is an incredible practice and I am going to "steal shamelessly" from it. But I also do not have a great understanding of it and since this retreat was my second exposure to Buddhism (my first being to sit with a Zen Buddhist groups for a couple of months), please take anything I say as it is meant to be...my experience as a non-buddhist having a buddhist experience. So let's begin.
   August 19, 2011: I am up at the Rocky Mountain YMCA in Estes Park @ the Thich Nhat Hahn retreat. I was feeling that I wasn't going to be able to decompress and not use all my electronic equipment but now that I'm here I think maybe I can. I want to take advantage of this wonderful place, these incredibly spiritual people and the peacefulness that's in my heart. The setting here in Estes Park is incredible. I can see Longs Peak from everywhere, even my room. I'm sharing a room with a friend I met while working for the military in El Paso last summer. I don't know her well but she seems very nice and I believe we will both honor the space needed to be here these next few days. I want to dig deep into my soul and feel the presence of the Universe inside of me for the whole 5 days.
     There are 2 elk on the hillside having their dinner. Thank you God for this spectacular view. There's a wagon (horse drawn) heading down the road. Actually the closer the animals get the more I'm not sure if they are elk or deer. It doesn't really matter, they sure are beautiful. Thank you Source for an incredible life. I am so truly blessed. The most important thing for me right now is to stay mindful and enjoy the moments of these next 5 days and absorb the energy of this spectacular event. Life is almost too good for words. I love living in peace and harmony and love and want to have love in my heart forever and ever. Amen. Aho. Thank You Jesus.
      Dinner is in silence and while we eat we are asked to think mindfully of every bite we take. We will continue silence after the talk this evening until after lunch tomorrow. They call it Noble Silence. I like that (smile).
     Tonights opening orientation was very interesting and beautiful. Thay(TI) as they call Thich Nhat Hahn is a very gentle, quiet man,  His message was about the 3 energies we need to work with in order to find the kingdom of heaven within. Mindfulness , concentration & insight. These, he says, are the Holy Spirit. I resonated with that and I will spend time over the next few days as I'm here at the retreat thinking about these 3 energies. The mindfullness I understand, the concentration for me will probably take a little more practice especially if I'm getting bored. The insight I would think comes from the mindfullness and the concentration. All is well in this awesome world of mindfullness.
     Sangha is a new word. It means the group (like a church) or this group of people at this retreat. Too Cool! I'm learning all kinds of cool things about Buddhism. Yea! Something new.
     My ego did want to judge and was getting uncomfortable with all the monks and nuns and wanted to think, "shoot this is just like Catholicism" and in a way it is. But it doesn't matter what it is or isn't, it is deeply spiritual and as they say in alanon "take what you like and leave the rest." Right now what I take is the peace and the mindfulness. All is awesome. Aho!

Took My Breath Away

2011-06-14T07:46:00.000-06:00

I know I haven't set foot on this terrain in awhile. But today, from a newsletter I receive on honing my writing skill I was asked to write about something that took my breath away. I thought I would share it with you. Hope you enjoy.

Like bullets they shot through the waves, their only purpose...to have fun. Water churned beneath the hulls of the boat, tickling the creatures' undersides. They responded with a dance that crisscrossed the wakes as their sleek torso's sliced through the ocean in rhythm with the wind. After hours enduring the hard surface of the catamaran, hiding in the shadows of the main sail—the only protection from the long day's cruelty upon my skin—the gods had rewarded me. The pain no longer mattered. Nothing mattered. They had arrived. Those mythical mermaids who generously begged to share their playground with us mere mortals. When the leader floated sideways below me, his eye staring up in gleeful wonder as if to say, "Please play with me," silent tears touched my cheeks. The tears flowed for the years of imagining this moment, for the days of searching the open seas, hoping and praying for a sighting that did not come, for the realization that somewhere deep in my soul I was connected to these magnificent prehistoric beings. Long and sleek, glistening in the afternoon sun like tandem sails flapping above the crystal waters of their home, the dolphins were upon us. And in the innocence of that moment they took my breath away.

SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY: A WONDERFUL WORK OF FICTION

2011-02-14T07:59:00.001-07:00

Did you know there are no historical facts to link Saint Valentine to romantic love, especially on February 14th? If one is to step down the path backwards to find where this love holiday originated one would find that the three Saint Valentines that are linked to the February 14th date were martyrs and had no significant behavior that would also link them to the hearts, flowers and cupids we see today.

There have been several fantastic legends which may have started all this hullabaloo. One such is where a Valentine (and it's not sure which one) defied the Roman emperor and performed marriage ceremonies even though it had been decreed in the law that young men could not be married because they were needed on the battlefield. Then there is a legend that one of the Valentines, on the night before his execution, wrote a love letter to a young girl. None of these legends have any basis in historical facts. They are pure works of fiction. And the best known link to the present day Valentine Day is another work of fiction. Chaucer's 14th century work of fiction titled, Parlement of Foules, is a poem written in honor of the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England and Anne of Bohemia where the great poet wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day

Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

Translated to modern English this means: "For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."

Oddly enough the belief among historians is that the Saint Valentine's Day Chaucer referred to was actually on May 2nd, the saint's day of another bishop named Valentine orinigally of Genoa.

Fiction, fiction, how powerful is fiction. As seen here in this highly celebrated holiday, writing fiction can create new worlds. It can change the world (just listen to every politician). And it can destroy old worlds (as did Hitler in his fiction about saving the Aryan race).

Why am I writing about fiction? Because I love fiction. I've been creating fiction my entire life. From the imaginary friend my mother said I used to talk to out on the swing in the backyard, to the pretend family I used to imagine I belonged to, complete with a multimillionaire father and fifteen brothers and sisters, to my more recent dabbles with creating the great American novel, my life has been steeped with fiction. So today I not only celebrate a day of love, filled with cupids, hearts, candy, flowers and romantic dinners but also as one of the birthdates of fiction.

Happy Saint Valentine's Day to you all!

WITH A JET PACK STRAPPED TO MY BACK

2011-02-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Even a week after the SCBWI winter conference I'm still psyched about the inspirations I received. As if I have a jet pack strapped to my back, I have not stopped writing. Though I've heard or read almost every idea that was spoken last week many times before, the morsels of information that have sunk into my brain have catapulted me to a new level of writing. So much so that I pulled Kiva and the Stone Nation back off the shelf and revamped her first few chapters. I want to give this new round of literary agents the very best product I have to offer. I even rejoined the SCBWI critique group in Naples to receive timely feedback on my work. Yesterday I provided them with the revised first chapter of Kiva and they loved it.

I believe I have some strong ammunition to lob at the publishing world and in the next few days I will e-mail 5 more agents on my list whom I believe might fall in love with Kiva. Keep your fingers crossed.

On another note, I just returned from a wonderful stroll along the beach at low tide. I realized this morning that I plan my entire day of writing around low tides, sunsets and swim schedules. Can you tell I live in Florida?

So here's the revised Chapter 1 of Kiva and the Stone Nation. Hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER 1

If I had met Scout the year before, when forests still harbored a red caped girl and a devious wolf. In the time when munchkins and elves were still heroes and helpers, not childhood fantasies, I would have foreseen what was about to happen. For with Scout's wisdom I could have leapt beyond the world of the definite, the absolute, and the hard and fast. I could have moved into that place between the real and the fantastic. That place where premonitions are possible. And not just possible, but everyday occurrences.

But I had not yet met Scout. At least not that I remembered. And until that time when her presence was made known to me, l was lost. Lost in a fog of unknowing. A dark cloud of uncertainty. For a great shadow had surrounded my spirit and had muddled every thought in my brain. Blinding me to the mysterious message delivered to me that first day.

It was the day I graduated from elementary school. A day hailed as a rite of passage into a more adult world. A more logical world. And I was proud to be standing on that cliff of sensibility, for practicality flowed through my veins. At least from my father's side anyway. So how could I have grasped what was about to happen. It was illogical.

But logical or not, it occurred. Started right there on the playground. Right in the middle of the big city. Right in front of my teacher, who could not have predicted it either. Nor my classmates. But Hotta could have foreseen it. And most likely did. I would not be surprised if she dreamed the whole incident the night before it happened. With vivid colors, symbolism and metaphors dancing in her slumbering head. And she would have felt how humiliated I was, splayed against the dirt in front of my entire class, my elbows and knees skinned and bleeding. Hotta would have known my horror and embarrassment. Like she did with the other incident. The one at the beginning of the school year. When the merciless teasing had begun and the fanciful beliefs had vanished.

My lungs grasped at the tiny sliver of breath keeping me from passing out. As gravel slid down the back of my throat my teeth crunched on bits of stone and grit. I raised my body off the ground. My kneecaps throbbed. At least the other incident had not physically hurt.

A low growl-like voice whispered, "Are you okay, Kiva?"

I fought to focus on the speaker but could not uncross my eyes. The view in front of me was blocked by something. Several somethings. Long and skinny. And furry?

"Don't move!" cried my teacher off in the distance. Classmates backed away. I heeded the terror in her voice while I fought to remember what had brought me to this point.

I was on the swings. And Jennifer was discussing her upcoming plans for the summer. "I'll have way more fun at my camp than yours," she said. Her blue eyes blazed in the morning sunlight and I swallowed a laugh. Her mother was forcing her to choose church camp over drama camp and laughing at her frustration could prove dangerous. Sulking, she propelled herself off the swing without stopping. Callie followed in an obedient puppy manner, her long black hair swishing against her waist like a tail. I jumped to catch up, at which point my memory clouded.

That is until a screeching noise, like a terrified baby, penetrated my fog. The noise producer, a long snout attached to the wiry-furred legs, leaned into my hair and sniffed. A foul stench wrinkled my nose. Unable to picture more than the front portion of the creature looming over me, I suspected it was a canine escape artist from a nearby backyard.

"See you soon," I heard and the scruffy legs bolted away. As I lifted my head I caught a glimpse of its sloppy red tongue lopping from the side of a devil-may-care grin.

Mrs. Baker sprang forward, grabbed my arm and in one fell swoop, flung me towards the side door. As we passed a petrified third grader, he stammered, "What was that thing?"

Liquid, thick and gooey, rolled down my cheek and onto my lips. I tasted the sweet stickiness of my blood.

"Oh dear! Let's get you to the nurse's office," cried the teacher. Picking up her frantic pace she drug me through the halls. As we rounded the corner by the Principal's office, a small group of fifth grade girls snickered. Jennifer, in the center, pointed in our direction.

Principal Bartholomew bolted from his office. "Is this the student attacked by the coyote?" The snickering turned to laughter. Their echoes bounced against the ceramic tile walls like a thunderstorm in a canyon.

"Forest freak!" cried Jennifer. The volume intensified.

"That's enough," screamed the principal. The students howled. I braced myself. Waiting for the familiar chant. Like the last time.

"Woo, Woo, Woo," someone had cried the first day of school as I was reading my report about my summer vacation at my grandparents' ranch in southern Colorado. They had mocked me as I explained how my grandmother listened to messages from the animals who often magically appeared. “She calls them totems. For her tribe considers them messages from Great Spirit.”

Someone laughed and said, “Like a totem pole?”

I ignored the outburst and continued. My voice warbled as I described my grandfather teaching me to search for animal tracks. "He can identify them by their scat."

Then I heard, “Ooh yuck, that's poop.” The laughter grew.

“Hey you're a regular Daniel Boone,” said Jason, the cutest boy in school. I wanted to die.

"More like a wood fairy,” cried another voice.

“No she's a freak," cried Jennifer. "A forest freak.”

The students roared. The phrase flew through the air, hurled at me from every corner of the room. "Forest freak, forest freak, Kiva is a forest freak." Everything after that became a blur. That is until the teacher found me later, hiding in the bathroom stall.

That was where the horrible nickname began and it haunted me from that moment forward. I used to wonder if it was tattooed on my forehead in an invisible ink only Jennifer could read, for I never knew when her shrill voice would ring through the halls crying, "Hey forest freak."

To make matters worse, that was about the same time Callie decided Jennifer was her best friend, even though we had been best friends since we were babies.

********

As the nurse finished cleaning my wounds the frosted glass door opened. Jennifer entered, followed by Callie who said, “My mom's on the phone and wants to know if you're coming with us to the mall this afternoon? Remember I’m buying a new bathing suit for Jennifer's pool party.”

“I can't. My parents and I are heading down to visit my grandparents this weekend.”

“Going to talk to the animals again this summer?” Jennifer laughed.

I quickly answered, “No, just visiting for the weekend. I would die if I had to stay there again the whole summer."

A blond boy's head appeared around the door. "Boy that was freaky. Are you okay, Kiva?" asked Jason.

"Yeah, the freak's just got a few scratches," said Jennifer. "But I'm sure she'll be as good as new in a day or two." The boy smiled.

"In time for your party I'm sure," I said.

"Whatever," said Jennifer. Turning she motioned for the other two to follow. Jason shrugged and waved and as the door closed Callie's voice trailed off behind them. "See you when you get back, Kiva."

I would love your feedback on the above excerpt and I hope everyone has a fabulous week!

Books I'm reading: THE GRAVEYARD BOOK by Neil Gaiman (love this book!)

Food I'm eating: Ezekiel cereal with soy milk, whole grain toast with peanut butter and banana
Spiritual process: The Master Plan to Manifesting Your Dreams
Affirmation: "I can do anything, be anyone, have anything because I am a trust fund baby of the Universe." & "I meet everyone with love."
Visualization: Signing one of my children's books that is worn and dogged eared because the child has read it so many times.

AN INSPIRATIONAL WEEKEND

2011-01-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

     Expectations from attendees to the Society for Children's Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) conference were as varied as the participants. For me it was to legitimize myself. To stop feeling like an interloper in the children's book world. When I began my counseling career I remember attending the American Counseling Association conference in Montreal and absorbing that sense of camaraderie from other counselors, who in turn, welcomed me into their ranks. My expectation for the SCBWI winter conference in New York City this past weekend was met and my image of myself was transformed from an illegitimate child into a welcomed daughter in just two glorious days.

     My hat goes off to the staff of the SCBWI for they are extremely professional, genuine and down to earth, as they welcomed everyone, especially the new writers. Didn't hurt that they were down right funny too. My brain was a sponge for two days straight and what I came away with was the knowledge that I have so much more to learn about my new profession yet I am exactly where I need to be. The speakers and events ranged from long time established writers such as Lois Lowry and RL Stine to newbies in the award winning and best seller world like Sara Zarr and Linda Sue Parker. From each I learned something new and exciting and all of this knowledge has stirred my creative juices and brought them to a boil.

     One of the greatest lessons was from Lois Lowry who taught us the single most important question on the minds of every child that writes to her.  On the screen up front the audience read over and over, with every handwritten and e-mailed message sent to the famous author, one burning question. Do you have a dog? Obviously having dogs is a must for every children's book author. All kidding aside (sort of), Lois Lowry inspired me to learn to write to her level of creativity and mastery. So a new entry on my to do list says, "Obtain Lois Lowry books, whether from the library, from Kindle, or from the local bookstore and read, read, read."  I wrote the following in my notebook at the end of her speech. "If I get nothing else out of this conference, being inspired to the level of Lois Lowry is monumental. It is a daunting task, but I am up to the challenge."

     The Picture Book panel taught me that picture books must have lyrical sensibility, for the lines will be spoken aloud to the child. I also learned that although many picture books do not have children in them (often animals, inanimate objects and adults) the emotions must resonate with the children. The panel explained how the words must be carefully chosen, as if writing poetry and how it is not necessary to "dumb down." Yet making up a word or two can often be fun.  Although picture books is not my forte, the panel's gifts of wisdom will aid me even in writing my Middle Grade and Young Adult novels. Make the characters unforgettable. Make the reader laugh or cry. Discover a story worth telling. A writer must touch the child within. And most importantly, Let Go To Story. I did not know what that phrase meant at first but was pleasantly reminded that letting go to story means to get out of my head and into the heart of the story. Find the "stuff" in the deepest part of me and wrap it up as a gift to the reader. The story must have attitude. And to create attitude I must find the pulse of it, the sass of it and the rhythm of it. See story as a narrative wave, something the child in me can ride and visualize beyond the text.  Amazingly the discussion was wonderful food for fodder and though it is low on my priority list I started formulating an idea for a picture book. Maybe a future project?

     In the breakout sessions I listened to three literary agents talk about what they look for in a submission. All of them stated they need to be captured by a compelling character, read an absorbing plot and hear a unique voice. Unfortunately none of them could explain what the above meant. I surmise it to be like finding your mate and falling in love, I don't know how to explain it but I know it when I feel it. Some heartening news was provide as they believe the children's market is still strong because books are what middle grade students and young adults use to escape the digital world they spend so much time in. Plus for now children can't lend an e-book to their friends and lending books is part of their culture. When asked what the next big sellers will be the answer was "any one's guess." But some of the predictions are as follows: Historical fiction (especially the 1920's), sci fi, and psychological thrillers. One agent said if you could write a young adult or middle grade novel like Blade Runner they could sell it. Multicultural is still great but is more literary than commercial. Everyone is looking for middle grade and young adult books that will appeal to boys. But no one knows what appeals to boys. They think magical creatures (other than vampires) might be on the rise. And an important question asked of the agents was what is their ideal client. They said someone nice, who is totally fine with revisions, that doesn't obsess over what is happening when the book is being submitted to publishers and who asks questions and is okay with not going along with every suggestion but does not take the suggestions personally.

     I do not have many notes from the panel on How to Write Humor in Children's Books because I was laughing so hard I wanted to pee my pants. But here are a few tidbits of wisdom to what makes something funny. The unexpected, you don't see it coming. Word Play - something I want to study more. Choosing topics that are inherently not funny but make them funny. Create plots that diverge and hide the humor in these divergences. Let things get messy, exaggerate, understate, and create embarrassing moments. Make a character preoccupied with themselves. And most of all, listen to the kids, for they are inherently funny. One panelist reiterated what my book doctor advises me frequently.  Every draft needs to have 20% less words. Or as expressed by my guru, "Figure out how to say it with the least amount of words."

     The two most inspiring speakers for aspiring writers were Sara Zarr and Linda Sue Park, as they were unpublished conference participants not so many years ago and are now award winning best selling authors. Sara brought her "therapist" hat and provided the audience with great advice on how to stay motivated and take care of ourselves as we trudge through the process of becoming published. She asked us to Craft a Creative Life by creating a writing process that is sustainable (no end), engaging (taps into something deep within that excites us), reminds us to invite others in but to know when to shut others out (be sociable but be discerning with other's advice), and last but not least don't just go through the motions of writing but be mesmerized by the moments.

     Linda Sue's most prevalent message was that creating a novel is not about me but about the story. Her advice is to read, read, and read some more. She reads every day. This has allowed her to create a mental standard of what she likes, doesn't like and what works and doesn't work. She asks us to ask ourselves if we believe in the story we are telling. And then she reiterated the need to get out of the "I" and into the "story." Make the story more important than our egos. Quote: "The writer needs to get the 'hell' out of the way and let the story tell itself." The biggest gift she gave to me was to explain what Voice means. Both literary agents and publishers say that the character must have a strong voice but they never explain what that means. Linda Sue Park did. She calls Voice the best words in the best order to serve the story. That means that it must have structure and rhythm, meaning and nuance. Here's what I wrote about her speech. "Wow, her speech was incredible and taught me the most about my craft."

     Nothing conveys the inspiration I acquired at the conference more than when Linda Sue Park told the story of a young boy named Daniel who stepped up to her table for an autograph. He handed her a very crumpled, dogged-eared copy of her book, A Single Shard, and said he was trying to figure out how many times he had read her book but that he had lost count at 62.

     The last thing written in my notes for the 2 days conference was this: "I want a kid to tell me that he/she read my book 62 times."

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

2011-01-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

I apologize to my readers as it has been almost three weeks since I last picked up the pen to dance with my words and create something unique and hopefully interesting.   But I have been consumed by my writing and have not wished to be sidetracked from my tasks.  For this reason I have made the heady decision to turn this blog into a journey through the ins and outs, ups and downs and sideways of reaching my ultimate goal.....to be a successfully published children's book author. AND I AM ON FIRE!

First I finished the next draft of my novel, INDIGO, and cast it into the hands of my writing mentor (who prefers to be called Book Doctor) for feedback before I begin another revision. Then I met with this illustrious doctor and received the good news that the book is in much better shape than the last revision. My main task at hand? Create a chronology of "What does each character know at this point" as this is a thriller and I need to make sure the characters are true to the story line.

While I awaited my revision assignments I seized the opportunity to continue the saga of the novel, UNCLE SAM, about a young rebellious high school girl who comes of age in a college town in 1970 when she is forced to chose between her Canada bound draft-dodging boyfriend and her seventeen year old Amish uncle who has been diagnosed with leukemia and is in a fight for his life. After writing ten chapters I now wait with bated breath (not really but it sounds more poetic) for word from the doctor on his first impressions.

And last but not least I slaved all afternoon at the bookstore recently to find children's books similar to KIVA AND THE STONE NATION. Then I foraged the internet to find the names of the literary agents for each book. Next task will be to send out a query letter, per their internet instructions, to continue the formidable task of finding the perfect literary agent. I am confident there is an agent who will fall in love with KIVA and make her their next project.

Each future post will provide you an update of my writing and publishing journey and at the end of the post I'll keep you informed on other mundane facts such as what book I'm reading, what food I'm eating (just for fun) and what spiritual applications I may be trying at the moment, plus anything else the tickles my fancy. I hope you enjoy this new format and I would love to hear from you about what you think. Especially this week on how you like my elevator speech (the one sentence explanation) of my new novel UNCLE SAM.

HAPPY READING!

Books I'm reading: WHEN YOU REACH ME, by Rebecca Stead & SCAT by Carl Hiaasen
Food I'm eating: Eggs and cinnamon toast
Spiritual process:
          Affirmation:   "I am a financially, professionally and with the children, successful published author.
          Visualization: Experiencing the excitement of signing books at the Barnes and Nobel bookstore in      Bonita Springs.

BALANCE

2011-01-03T08:58:00.005-07:00

With each passing year I come to understand that balance of Mind, Body and Spirit is my key to peace and happiness.

Let's review how I maintained my balance in 2010. For my mind I read many books. Books that taught me the concepts of quantum physics. Books that honed my writing craft, and books just for fun. For my body I continued my regimen of swimming a mile several times a week, riding my bike when possible and working out at Curves regularly. For my Spirit I continued my attendance at Unity and Science of Mind churches, enjoying the fellowship and the teachings. I read a daily meditation book by Ernest Holmes and enjoyed numerous spiritual books that assisted me on my journey to enlightenment.

So what does 2011 have in store for me? Balance. Balance of mind, body and spirit. How? For my mind I shall stimulate the cells and cultivate wisdom by reading books that combine an exploration of science and spirit. For my body I will nourished it with healthy vegetables and fruits grown here in my new home state. I will continue to swim on a regular basis and ride my bicycle everywhere here on the island, while I look with anticipation to weekly yoga and tai chi classes. I hope to throw in the possession of a kayak so I can strengthen my soul with paddles around the waterways of my new home. My spirit will continue to be nourished by my current Unity community and meeting new like-minded friends. I am exploring the possibility of attending a week long spiritual retreat swimming with wild dolphins in the Bahamas as I research other retreats that include my love of travel.

Balance. This is my word for 2011. For balance provides the perfect energy for experiencing a deeper connection to Source's love. Therefore as the New Year begins, I travel forth into this exciting year with balance.

Happy New Year to everyone and may you too work towards Balance!

CHRISTMAS LOVE IS

2010-12-28T09:02:00.005-07:00

I am one of those blessed humans who was born to a large crazy family that gets along and enjoys each others company. Therefore, during this week between Christmas and New Year I am relishing in the fun and love that goes along with a very large group of relatives descending upon my town for the holidays and for my sister's 50th wedding anniversary. For this reason, I am not writing a blog this week and instead have borrowed a beautiful poem that was read by my minister last Sunday. I hope all my readers have a Happy and Safe New Years and I'll be back to talk with you next week.

CHRISTMAS LOVE

- paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at
mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child.

Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.

Love is kind, though harried and tired.

Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.

Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way.

Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can't.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of LOVE will endure.

-Author Unknown

FROM IDEAS TO PUBLISHING

2010-12-10T10:06:00.007-07:00

Starting with today's posting, once a month I plan to publicly record my journey through the maze of professional writing and publishing. Everything from formulating the idea to the day when a publisher finally prints my words for the world to see will be fair game.

Today is blog #1: Finding the perfect literary agent.

Last fall, with one children's book in tow (meaning I had completed a manuscript to the point that my writing mentor said "Let her rip!") I forged ahead into the world of book publishing. Very quickly I learned that few publishers accept unsolicited manuscripts any more. Thus my first step was to find a literary agent. I surfed the web and read everything I could find about the process and listened to my mentor's advice; to research different agents and only send to the ones who meet the following criteria: 1. They represent children's book writers. 2. They currently represent books similar in genre and story to mine. 3. They are accepting submissions.

The next step was to create the query letter and submission packet or e-mail based on the agent's submission's guidelines. As of last December I have submitted a query letter and sample pages to over 20 agents. I sent them out 5 at a time as everything I've read indicates that agents do not appreciate a writer blanketing their work to every agent on the planet. Over the last year about half of these agents have sent me a rejection letter, postcard or e-mail. The other half have just been silent, their silence speaking volumes.

Up until last week, my last submission had been several months ago. So I made a commitment to myself to send out four more queries before I left on my next trip. On Tuesday I researched my list, personalized my query letter for each agent and sent out e-mails to my chosen four. Within an hour one of them had responded. With hope in my heart I opened the e-mail. Rejection. Though I appreciated the response there was a part of me that wished the agent would have at least waited a day or two, just to give me the facade that he had considered my work. But alas reality struck me in the face instead.

As with every other rejection this past year my ego stung for awhile and I spent a few hours licking my wounds, listening to my critic rip apart my abilities, and wondering if my dream was hopeless. Then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and did what I always do, I distracted myself. Luckily I had an impending trip to Wyoming to plan. And like most injuries, it will take several weeks for the wound to heal and more skin armor prepared before I climb back on the next bucking bronco.

Many techniques assist me in staying focused on the brass ring and not lying in the dust allowing the horse to trample me. First, I remind myself that Rome was not built in a day. I dust off the old story of Alexander Graham Bell who had to create many failed prototypes of the telephone before perfecting a device that successfully transmitted words across the wires. I read my affirmations continuously reminding myself that God inspires me to write and that God can do anything. I affirm to myself over and over again that I am a good writer, I am a successful writer, and that I am meant to write. I read other children's novels, dissecting their writing styles, reminding myself that if they can be successful so can I. I read blogs of published writers who talk about how many hundreds of queries they submitted before they found the one person who loved their work. And I have faith. Faith that I am doing what I love and thus what I love to do will be successful. Last but not least, I write, write, write, and write some more.

So onward and upward I climb, one step at a time. When I look back at all my accomplishments and experiences over the many years of this journey called life, I remember that every one began with a dream and were followed by action. Many manifested quickly, others took years. But the one thing they all had in common was that I kept my eye on the prize, kept moving forward and kept the faith.

THE SPIRIT OF LOVE AND PEACE

2010-12-06T08:23:00.003-07:00

With great gladness in my heart I am happy to announce to you that I am listening to Christmas music nonstop these days. You may say, "So, it's the holiday season, lots of people are listen to Christmas music." But for me this is a monumental event. You see 5 years ago when my husband, Gary, died in late October, my celebration of the holiday came to a crashing halt. I could not bare to go through the motions of the traditions and events that we had shared together for 18 years. Even now as I write this I feel sadness and tears well up together, as those remenants of grief that stay with us for a lifetime come to the surface. But for the first time in many years they are manageable enough to be felt.

My first Christmas after Gary died I went on a 10 day all inclusive vacation to Bucerias, Mexico where I celebrated a warm, delicious season with some close friends who were also in the throws of grief. The next year I travelled to Florida on Christmas eve and spent Christmas day with friends who do not celebrate the season. The following year I travelled to Playa del Carmen, Mexico on Christmas eve and spent the next day sitting on the beach at an all inclusive with a very dear friend. Two years ago I spent it with family but it was a quick trip up to their house in the morning and a quick trip back that night, with very little celebration in between. Then last year I started wading into the shallow end of the holiday season by joining a Christmas choir at church, going to 1 party and spending the day with a childhood friend and her husband, but again there was pain involved in the celebration. In none of these past years have I trimmed a tree, or listened to music or addressed Christmas cards while watching holiday movies, which are all long standing traditions of mine.

This year is different for some reason. I can't explain why, as grief has its own timetable and own reasoning. But this year I listened to Christmas carols on the way home from my Thanksgiving travels. The next day I shook off my dusty little tree (that still had the ornaments on it from the last year I had put it up), put out my Santa collection and started listening to my playlist of 124 Christmas songs. Excited at the prospect of company arriving a few days before Christmas, I'm even getting into the holiday shopping mood.

So what makes these tiny little actions so important to me. They are symbols that I have stepped beyond the tragedy and grief of my husband's death. That the last vestige of pain from what happened 5 years ago has subsided to the point that it is bareable to step into it, feel it and let it go. For Christmas is my most favorite time of year, and I have missed it. Although I try to keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart all year round, there is something about that constant reminder of trees and lights and Salvation Army bells and Christmas music and egg nog and candy canes and excited children that keeps that spirit of love and peace that Jesus taught us over 2000 years ago so near to my heart.

May this season open you to the love and peace that is possible, with just a little shift of the attitude. May you and yours have a wonderful holiday season!

THE SEA

2010-11-27T08:25:00.004-07:00

I am working on one of my childrens' novels and would like to stay in that mindset for the next few days. So below is the Prologue to my current project, Indigo. Hope you enjoy!

INDIGO

The Sea A+

by Indigo Bartoli

Like a mother’s beating heart

Inhale

In the timelessness of the womb

Exhale

She is present from the beginning

Inhale

Soothing me in my sadness

Exhale

And exalting me in my bliss

Inhale

With a dominion I often snub

Exhale

For like hot bread from the oven

Inhale

That ignites olfactory glands

Exhale

She overwhelms my very essence

Inhale

And with fierceness to topple nations

Exhale

And melodies to capture fools

Inhale

She protects and destroys in one

Exhale

Prisoner to her passions

Inhale

And slave to her magnificence

Exhale

Forever bound have I become

Inhale

THANK FULL

2010-11-21T13:24:00.001-07:00

As this is the week of Thanksgiving I want to take a time out from my busy schedule and say Thank You to all my readers. I never know who is reading this blog, but I do know that I am compelled to continue to write it so there must be someone who is being touched by what I say. So THANK YOU.

I try every day to remember that it is not I who brings all this joy, wonder and love into my life, but my Creator. Therefore every day I pause somewhere in my day and express how Thank Full I am. Today my focus is on the beautiful weather I have been experiencing, for the great friends I have both here and in Colorado and around the world. I am Thank Full for the incredibly loving family that cares about me and for me and who are always in my thoughts. I thank my Creator for the bounty I receive daily and for the view from my window as I write this blog. And most of all I thank my Creator for allowing me to be alive, to experience every moment in every day with so much love, peace and joy that it overflows in my heart. To all of you, I pray that you have a blessed Thanksgiving and may you always be surrounded by love.

MINDFULNESS

2010-11-14T07:18:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine turned me on to an app for my phone called "The Mindfulness Bowl." Randomly, about every hour a wonderful sound emits from my phone. It is the sound of a Tibetan bowl ringing. This ring is to remind me to stop, see if I am really experiencing the moment for what is truly going on, and if not, come into the moment and be one with it. Too often I find myself out in the future. I have found that many of my clients are that way too, as well as many are dwelling in the past. Then there are those special few who truly do live in the present moment. But for me it is not an easy place to stay. Thus the phone app.

Yesterday I was visiting with a friend who lives much more in the moment than me. It was the first time she was experiencing my new home and I found my mouth was going a mile a minute to tell her about an experience I'd had with moving, or where I bought a piece of furniture, or what painting I was going to put where. I was going way too fast for her and she kept having to stop me and back me up so she could experience the moment for exactly what it was. She was reminding me that I need to slow down and breath in the moment also. With my recent jobs and my move, etc. I realize I have sped up time. Now I want to slow it back down. Starting today I'm going to begin the practice of mindfulness as often as I can remember. Mindfulness is a Buddhist practice. It is about having a calm awareness of one's body functions, feelings, content of consciousness, or consciousness itself. In therapy I teach my clients to become aware of the feelings in the body, from the butt on the chair to the air moving through their nostrils, to the sensations in their toes. I ask them to look around them and describe the colors and the items they see. I ask them to describe the taste in their mouth, describe the texture of the fabric of the furniture or their clothing and describe any fragrances or smells they notice. It's about taking a moment to truly pay attention to the senses and what they are speaking to us. For as Albert Einstein once said, "There is more to life than increasing its speed."

ENERGY SHIFT

2010-11-08T18:30:00.002-07:00

Those who know me well know that I love change. One might even say that I am a true change agent, always looking for the next new experience, idea, or product to enjoy. But even for those of us who love change there is a toll we must pay when we manifest major change. I have seldom been so aware of that toll as I am right now, 2 weeks I moved most of my earthly possessions to a state 2000 miles from where I have lived for the last 20 years.

My energy field has made a major shift and it is causing my body to feel like a giant blob of Silly Putty. As this geographical shift continues to occur, one end of the blob of molecules I call my body is still attached to Colorado, while the other end is attaching itself to Florida. The longer I stay in my new tropical paradise, the more the energy flows south, but still, I am definitely stretched.....energetically that is.......and it feels like I'm reaching my max. Add to that the fact that this weekend I flew north to Indiana to attend my niece's wedding & I am like a sling shot, pulled taut, in readiness for a major battle with Goliath. So imagine how the nerves, skin and organs that make up my manifested body must feel. Overstrung and screaming. The only remedy I've come up with so far is to remind myself to have patience with myself (and those who bump into my irritability), awareness that I am tired and irritable because of the energy adjustment, and awareness that in time the majority of shifting energy will make its way to my new home. Until then, please forgive me for my short temper, my scattered focus and my over indulgence of self......soon I'll be right as rain and hopefully better than ever. And last but certainly not least, I thank the Source of all creation for my fabulous life and ALL the experiences attached to it. I am so truly blessed!!

SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD

2010-11-01T18:18:00.000-06:00

I have been told that one of the biggest stress producers in our lives is moving. Must be why my blood pressure was up this week. That and the bad eating as I drove across middle America on my 2000 mile trek to my new location. The stressful part for me was the unpacking of boxes and the figuring out what to do with the accumulated junk in my life. But do not feel sorry for me as right now I'm sitting on my lanai gazing down at the canal, listening to the fish jump and the birds chirp. There is nothing stressful about that. Everyone's stress level is different and what I consider as stressful someone else probably considers a walk in the park. I have found that the older I get the less I want stress in my life. But the move itself was not the stressor for me, it is the amount of money I am spending as I pack up boxes, drive for 4 days and stay in motels for 4 nights, pay a moving company to bring my belongings along and then spend more money on fixing up the new place, buying those items I couldn't or didn't want to move, buying new furniture, and on and on. Money has always been a stresser for me, which is sad since I've been blessed with never knowing what it meant not to have any money. So why the stress? I think it comes from a father who lived through the depression. Wherever its origins I take time right now to stop and give thanks to God for all the blessing I have in my life and remind myself that God is the provider of everything in the universe, including money, and if I "Let Go and Let God" all my wants and needs are taken care of in this moment in time. For as Jesus said in Luke:12: 27-31 "Consider the lilies, how they grow. They don't toil, neither do they spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if this is how God clothes the grass in the field, which today exists, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith? Don't seek what you will eat or what you will drink, neither be anxious. For the nations of the world seek after all of these things, but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek God's Kingdom and all these things will be added to you." I think I'll go seek me a little God today!

Law of Circulation

2010-10-17T08:55:00.002-06:00

Packing, packing.........and more packing. That is my mantra these days as I am 6 days away from moving all my belongings to another place. My home is inundated with boxes. And in all honesty, although I packed these boxes, I couldn't tell you what is in most of them. Oh, I've marked them with the designation of what room they go in and a basic gist of what's inside them, but down to the detail I have no idea. And except for a few items I use on a regular basis, I haven't needed what is inside them for weeks now either. What does that tell me?

It reminds me of one of my basic beliefs in life.....the "Law of Circulation." Everything in the universe is made up of energy of one form or another and we have a certain amount of energy that supports us at all times, like the energy of our bodies, the energy of money, the energy of our emotions, the energy of "things." The more we hold on to this energy the less energy we attract to us that is new, alive and refreshing. That is why I believe it is so important to release energy that is no longer serving us well or that is just collecting dust.......we must constantly be cleaning house in order to make way for the new. I find this law is very true with money. If I release money by tithing it or donating it, or giving gifts to family and friends I am always amazed at how I receive money back twofold. When I'm paying a bill or sending out money I have a ritual that serves me well. I visualize the money as energy and that what I pay out becomes someone else's salary which in turn pays their bills, which becomes someone else's salary and so on.........and sooner or later it returns as my salary or my dividend and the cycle repeats. Then I remember that money is a gift from God and on all my checks I write TYGFIAP which is my acronym for "Thank You God For I Am Prosperous." The same concept holds true with love as well. The more love I give out to others, the more love I receive and again I thank God for what I give and what I receive. Peace is another one. The more peace I create for others the more it comes back to me. In Unity teachings we recite a prayer as we tithe that is appropriate for all energy that we use in our lives. It goes: "Divine Love, through me, blesses and multiplies all that I am, all that I have, all that I give and all that I receive." This is the "Law of Circulation," releasing energy to allow new energy to arrive and thanking God for the generous energy we constantly receive.

So back to the packing. Now that I've noticed how little I use of the "stuff" in these boxes, I plan to be more cognizant, both now as I continue to pack and as I unpack at the other end, to see what may be more useful in the hands of someone else. Look out Goodwill, St. Vincent Depaw, ARC and who knows who else.......cause here comes some released energy.

GET READY 'CAUSE HERE I COME

2010-10-09T07:58:00.003-06:00

I think I am in heaven.......and it is here on earth. As I prepare for my move to Florida I have temporarily traveled to my new home to make ready my new condo for occupancy. Instead of staying in a motel, as I have no furniture in my new place, my dear friend from high school has opened her home to me. This is extraordinary because she and her husband are living in Vancouver for the summer and have not yet returned. So I have this scrumpdillyicious home to enjoy all to myself. Right now as I write, I listen to the fountain emptying into the pool, watch the white Ibis feed in her backyard, while the palm trees that line the small lake behind her place sway in the gentle breeze. I don't just think I'm in heaven.....I know I am!

I am extremely blessed with awesome friends from around the world and I love the variety and splendor of them all; not because they allow me to stay in their homes while they are gone (although that is icing on the cake) but because they give me that sense of oneness that I know is the great truth about God. God runs through every single being on this planet. Every living creature is a child of God and though connecting to every being on earth is impossible, connecting on the limited level that I do each day allows me to experience God in the greatest depth and breadth imaginable. For whenever I feel down, or lost or lonely I can touch and be touched by another being (that includes dogs and cats) and feel the presence of God, not just in myself but in them as well. It's amazing how quickly the sad, lost or lonely feelings disappear when I surround myself with other God inspired creatures. That being said, I think today I'll go connect with as many of Source's creations as possible. So God,get ready 'cause here I come!

BE OPEN

2010-10-02T09:23:00.000-06:00

During my graduate school days I was required in my Community Counseling class to read the book, The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell. The words he so beautiful expressed made a profound impression on my life. The most important idea being the Law of the Few for I have taken the concept to heart and practice its principles on a consistent basis. Gladwell rolled the Pareto Principle (80/20 rule) out of the world of economics and into the social world. The theory states that 80% of work is done by 20% of the participants and in the social world, Gladwell believes that all our social experiences can be attributed to 20% of the population in the form of 3 types of people we may either be or know. There is the Connector, who is the person we all know who knows someone, who knows someone, who knows someone, etc. Then there is the Maven, who always has all the latest information, the latest gadgets, or the latest ideas. These are the people I dub the trivia wizards of the world. And finally there is the Salesman, or person who can talk you into trying, or buying or experiencing just about anything.
After reading this book I asked myself the question, who did I wish to be in this vast world of participants? My answer? The Connector. For I love to meet with, learn about and be around people. I love to take risks, try new experiences, taste new foods. I love to reach beyond my inner sanctum of friends and touch people from other cultures, other countries, other religions and more. I love both liberal and conservative people. I love learning about both the good and the bad. I love to participate in all kinds of situations with all kinds of experiences. But most of all I love to find the common denominator with others, connect in a meaningful way and stay connected to them. If I have a meaningful connection with another human being I want to continue to know about that person's life, at least occasionally. About how they are, what's happening with them and their families and what new information they have to share. And I don't connect because of what might come in handy for some future time and place but because I can learn so much about myself from learning about others. And the ultimate prize for me, is when I meet another connector. Why it's like dying and going to heaven for in an instant my network of people multiplies exponentially.
Now to the simple truth behind this book and behind the idea that awakened me so profoundly that I still practice this principle in all my affairs. The foundational characteristic of all three types of people is this. Be open. Open to new thoughts, new ideas, new religions, new views, new opinions, new perspectives, new situations......just be open. This has become my dogma, my mantra, my life.......be open to life and ALL its experiences for they all have some relevance and you never know, someday in the future you may know that person or know that information or have the ability to persuade someone that can bring peace and love to all and change the world forever.

VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER

2010-09-21T10:10:00.001-06:00

"Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword." Matthew 26:52. Yesterday was a sad day. In a beautiful little city in West Texas on a military base near to my heart, someone became so enraged that they raised a gun and shot two people. In a house in the suburbs of Denver a man who had much to live for, became so despondent because he could not play football right now that he raised a gun to his head and shot himself. How sad that people's lives are reduced to a single bullet. How sad that all these centuries after Jesus told us that violence is not the answer do we still turn to violence in anger , fear and despair. When will it ever end? Only when we all come to realize the one truth of life: LOVE IS THE ONLY WAY. My prayers go out to the families of those affected by violence, whether in one single act or daily. May love penetrate the armor of anger, hatred and hopelessness and allow all to find a better way.

"PEACE AND LOVE" IS THE ONLY WAY

2010-09-12T09:22:00.001-06:00

It has been 9 years since the tragedy of 9/11/2001. Yesterday brought back memories and sadness for what was lost that day and for what we humans still have not yet learned. "Peace and Love" is the only way. I could write many things about what is and isn't happening both here in the US and around the world, but that would only create further debate and division. I pray for those who cannot see beyond their fear, anger and hatred, for they are prisoners to a horrible pain. I prefer to be free as I trust in peace and love. So today I send out Peace and Love to all, in hopes that a simple prayer will touch everyone's heart. Join me now in taking into our hearts the words of St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

And to help us to practice and spread Peace and Love to others, remember these words written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

BEFORE ENLIGHTENMENT CHOP WOOD, CARRY WATER. AFTER ENLIGHTENMENT CHOP WOOD, CARRY WATER Zen proverb

2010-09-06T08:54:00.001-06:00

Today is Labor Day. It is the US holiday that began from the death of several workers during a strike in New York City in 1882. Long lost is the first meaning of this day for in the 21st century it is more traditionally celebrated as the end of summer, even though the season of summer does not end for several more weeks. To me, it is a day to "chill" and enjoy the cooler weather, an excuse to eat those things I don't normally eat and to do whatever I want. Today I plan to swim, shop, get a pedicure and work on my writing before heading back to my counseling job tomorrow. Which brings me to the subject of the Zen proverb above....Work.

To some people work is a necessary evil, to others it is their life's passion, to many it is an means to an end. According to the proverb it is what we do whether enlightened or not, for enlightenment, peace and happiness come from within not from the environment beyond us. I have felt work as a necessary evil, a means to an end and as a passion in various forms throughout my life. I have worked as a newspaper carrier, a car hop, a life guard, a camp counselor, a ward clerk and a lab assistant in a hospital, a lab tech in the Army, a receptionist, a word processor, an HR representative, an HR supervisor, an HR manager, and a licensed professional counselor first in a private practice and now working with the military. But my true passion has transcended all of these, beginning many, many years ago when I was barely a teen. My true passion is to write. I have written research papers, poems, articles, song lyrics, short stories and books. I have been writing in a journal almost every day since I was in the Army. Before then and certainly before e-mail, I wrote about my life as letters sent to friends and family as I moved about the country and world. I was spurred on by my passion and by the high praise I received about my skill. And today my Labor of Love on this Labor Day is to continue to write. Today I take a leap of faith, believing that as this is my passion I will continue to write until the day I die, knowing that in some time and space of my future life here on earth, my passion will become my career, my job, my form of prosperity. Until then writing is my love, never ending, always present, exactly where I want to be.

THE GREATEST CATHEDRAL ON EARTH

2010-08-29T18:18:00.001-06:00

Anyone who does not believe in the Source Of All That Exists cannot have visited Carlsbad Caverns. In my estimation it is one of the seven wonders of the world. From the slow mile long plunge into the bowels of this splendiferous cave my grin was ceaseless as chills sprang up and down my arms. The doors opened at 8:30 this morning and I was there to hike the steep trail, alone and in complete silence. Magnificent! My imagination conjured up Jim White, the 16 year old cowboy who repelled ninety feet into the mouth of the bat cave in complete darkness to begin this awesome treasure's journey of discovery. What a brave man! Through the drip, drip of the seeping water that creates the stalactite, stalagmite, columns and draperies of stone, I encountered the spirits of those who have gone before. As I paused in the fairyland of the Big Room I wondered if JRR Tolkien experienced Carlsbad before writing The Hobbit, for I had been transported to the entrance to Middle Earth. As my imagination bloomed, the stalagmite morphed into devout parishioners prostrate to their Creator, and suddenly I realized I was in the greatest cathedral on earth. I couldn't help but wonder if Gaudi had visited this treasure before designing the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, for the owner of this house of worship is the greatest master architect of them all.

One quick sidebar. Does anyone know how to whisper anymore? The ranger's rules, reviewed at the entrance for every individual to hear, includes the need to whisper within the cave, but invariably several ingrates blared their voices in full volume and reverberated their thoughts from every nook and cranny for all to hear. My favorite was the group of young women with British accents, whose flip flops and mouths passed me by going 90 miles a minute. I wondered if they even saw the magnificence before them. But I forced my consciousness back to center, for the surroundings dictated my reverence, and I paused until the voices faded in the shadows so I could continue to absorb the grandeur before me. Then I prayed for the hundredth time, "Thank you, God!"

DANCING THE DANCE OF UNWORTHINESS

2010-08-22T13:24:00.001-06:00

I feel like egg is splattered across my face......oh wait, that's not yolk.......that's embarrassment. Of course, after the initial red faced reaction dissipates the obsession arrives, taking me hostage. I hate being a prisoner of my own mind. That's why I'm now scurrying to devise an escape plan. Step one of my strategy? Analyze my embarrassment to find the root cause of my discomfort. So I whip out my handy dandy shovel and begin to dig. First find? Embarrassment isn't the culprit after all, at least not the simple kind, like the way I felt when I fell crossing the street and skinned my knee in front of a row of traffic a few months ago. But there is a bandit emotion fuelling my uneasiness. So the excavation continues and soon another emotion pokes its ugly head from beneath the dirt. It's name? Shame........ Ah I should have known. Shame, one of several frequent visitors to my psyche. For decades this slimy emotion has been checking in, like a judgmental in-law who stops by on a regular basis to point out the dust bunnies under my bed. Once identified I realize I'm not done for there's another emotions still missing. So I haul out the backhoe and dig further, searching for shame's frequent companion. What treasure do I find? Shame's co-joined twin, unworthiness. All my uneasiness, all my obsession, all my relentless mind chatter have been fueled by one thing.......my fear of being worthless. Where did this disgusting emotion originate? Not absolutely sure but it's been my companion for as far back as I can remember. Not being good enough and not being loveable hang like weights at the bottom of most of my fears. And with each mistake I make, the emotion changes, like an actor changing its costume in order to confuse me. But if I dig long enough and deep enough, it usually appears......in its slippery disguise, waiting to pounce upon me. And where do all these emotions, all these thoughts, and all this discomfort come from? One mistake, one error in judgment, one moment of choking.....chocking at a time when competence was needed but was missing in action. And so the dance of unworthiness continues....Hopefully someday I'll learn a new dance.

OUT IN THE WEST TEXAS TOWN OF EL PASO

2010-08-15T09:04:00.004-06:00

"Out in the west Texas town of El Paso...." El Paso, that's my town, for the next 5 weeks at least. It's a beautiful city.....sitting quietly at the base of the Franklin and Juarez Mountains, on the banks of the Rio Grande. With its south of the border charm stirred with a hint of Americano, it has a unique flavor all its own. Friday night a group of my new friends and I went downtown to the plaza to enjoy its riches. From April to September the city provides free concerts every Friday night. Packed to the brim with a rainbow of people, we were all eager to visit and dance and relax from a hard week of work. At the same time, a wonderful classic film festival was in full swing, with hordes of movie buffs satiated for 2 weeks with classics ranging from The African Queen to The Last Picture Show and culminating in the outdoor showing of Airplane on the plaza after the concert. We look forward to next week, when the city presents free movies at the amphitheater in the canyon, that will run through the end of September. What a glorious place to be in the summertime. The people are friendly and never seem to let the heat stop them, as they head out to enjoy life to the fullest. What a delightful surprise, this little Texas gem in the middle of the desert on the border of Mexico and New Mexico. I hope someday you are afforded the opportunity to visit this hidden treasure out in nowhere land West Texas and enjoy its bounty. In the meantime here's a link to the famous song about love found and love lost in El Paso. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hn3JB51NH_M

CHANGE OF ATTITUDE

2010-08-08T19:22:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I wonder how my life got to where it is. For one thing, I'm exhausted so I have to take anything I'm feeling with a grain of salt. I've been going non-stop for the past two months and today is the first day I had nothing planned except to go swimming. Then the phone rang and I found out I was supposed to be somewhere I didn't know I was supposed to be and I had 45 minutes to get there. Luckily another person agreed to take my place but still the whole situation unnerved me. It was then that I began to feel depressed and lonely. One thought, "why am I here?" started a downward spiral. How easily I can be swayed to go one way or another in my feelings. But the good news is that I don't like to feel depressed so I had to ask myself, "Why am I feeling depressed?" And the answer? Because I'm not really sure how my life got to where it is today. A real conundrum. Yet if I go backwards I can tell you the steps I took to get where I am right now. It all started with Gary dying. In 1989 I married Gary and believed I would be married for the rest of my life. Wrong...... Now five years after Gary's death I am alone in El Paso working a job I truly enjoy but where I don't know anyone. Oh, I don't mean this to sound pathetic, I'm just philosophically trying to figure out how I got here. I never wanted to be alone, nor do I especially like being single. But here I am. So what's the solution? One solution is to find myself a man.....easier said than done......but a possibility. Another solution is to change my attitude and be happy with being alone and single....again easier said than done....but also possible. Or I could just find a companion, whether male or female, to live with and at lease I won't be alone....again easier said than done.....but also possible. So which solution shall I choose? Not sure.....but for now I'll change my attitude and see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE

2010-07-30T09:10:00.001-06:00

Guess I spoke too soon. Not that I've ever been known to do that.....or to jump to conclusions in order to wrap my arms around what I can't explain. Seems the wayward dog I was grieving has returned.....at least for awhile. In my need to jump to a conclusion, Sharmin, at the age of 14, was too old to survive in the wild and thus was lying dead somewhere in the woods. Guess I was wrong. And since I prefer tidy endings, it's a cruel joke that the dog can't talk to tell me the details of her big adventure. Luckily for me I found an interview of her in the Doggie Daily Chew magazine. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Reporter: So what made you decide to run away and then return.

Sharmin: Actually I never went anywhere.

Reporter: But I don't understand, your owners actively searched for you for days, calling, driving around, walking the property and talking to neighbors. They even put up "MOST WANTED" posters. But it was as if you disappeared into thin air.

Sharmin: Really? I didn't see or hear anything......but then again, my eyesight and hearing aren't what they used to be. All I can remember are rabbits.....or were they squirrels.....and how much fun chasing them were......ah freedom......What was the question again?

Reporter: Where have you been for the last 2.5 weeks?

Sharmin: Uhhhhh......I remember being bored lying on the porch and deciding to go chase something (she pauses, a puzzled look crossing her snout)......next thing I remember I was inside an alien spaceship and they were feeding me and petting me and treating me really nice.

Reporter: That's a joke right?

Sharmin: Uhhhhhh, what's a joke?

Reporter: The aliens? (Another puzzled expression crosses the dog's face.)

Sharmin: I'm 14 years old.....that's 98 in human years.....what do you think?

Reporter: Okay, let's move on to something you do know. Is there anything you'd like to say to your previous owner, Sarah, about your experience.

Sharmin: Who?

Reporter: Sarah

Sharmin: Uhhhh......is she the one from Denver that brought me here?

Reporter: Yes.

Sharmin: Tell her thanks...this is the best retirement home in the world. I love being wild again. I was wild when the Pound captured me 13 years ago in New Mexico and I was wild when I lived in the mountains of Colorado for that one glorious summer. I've been daydreaming for years of being wild and free again. Why do you think I used to jump the fence and disappear in my younger days? I loved our week long vacations in the mountains when I could run like the wind and chase bears. Now I have the best of both worlds......the woods and pond all day......and a nice house with lots of food and someone to pet me whenever I want.

Reporter: So let's get back to where you were for 2.5 weeks.

Sharmin: Uhhhhh......I haven't got a clue....besides that's in my past. I'm a dog and I live in the moment. I wasn't scared or worried or angry or sad or any of those strange emotions humans spend way too much time obsessing on. My biggest concern each moment was about which critter I was going to chase next and where the best spot to sun was, and if it was time to take a dip in the pond or not.

Reporter: Sounds pretty wonderful to me (a sigh escapes from the expertly groomed collie)......Do you have any finally words of wisdom for your adoring fans?

Sharmin: Yes. (smile/pant) It truly is a dog's life (lick).

WHAT A FEAST!

2010-07-23T09:31:00.001-06:00

I'm excited. Tonight I'm traveling to see my family. Yeah! I love my family and there are hordes of them to love. We come in every shape, size, color and demeanor. But the one thing we all have in common is that we love each other very much. Oh that doesn't mean we always like each other. We've had squabbles and fights and hurt feelings as the years have gone by....but we always come back for more. I believe it is because of the underlying love we have for each other. I thank my parents for having this great family for it was their foundation of love that keeps us coming back. I remember once when I was very angry at one of my siblings my mother said, "You don't have to like what they did but you do have to love them because they are family." I truly heard what she said and have lived by those words ever since. The good news today is that I've learned to also like them all for exactly who they are. For each member is wonderfully unique and brings to this world something special. So this weekend I get to continue to learn what specialness my family members bring to the banquet. Thank you God for plopping me right into the middle of this colorful banquet table. What a feast!

FOR ALL THE TAILS I'VE LOVED BEFORE

2010-07-18T08:55:00.001-06:00

Over a week ago my dog, Sharmin, disappeared from my friend's farm where she had gone to live six weeks earlier. Fear overwhelmed me at first because she was a very old Golden/Chow mix (14) and very arthritic. But then I realized to the depth of my soul that she had gone off to die, for you see she was a wanderer. My late husband and I had adopted her from the Pound at the age of 1, where she had been brought after a year of wandering on a reservation in New Mexico. Her happiest times in her life were up at our mountain cabin where she was allowed to roam and wander to her heart's content. After my fear subsided, guilt reared its ugly head......guilt that I had abandoned her in her old age. But then I remembered that if she hadn't gone to the farm she would have been stuck in my townhome while I was out of town on an assignment and would have been relegated to two short walks a day and no friendly humans to pet and love on her whenever she wanted (which was another one of her favorite pastimes). So after the rollercoaster of grieving emotions subsided, I found peace in her disappearance (and presumed death) for she went out the way she wanted......she wandered.

As I grieved this week, I kept saying to myself that Sharmin was the best dog I ever had, but as the sadness dissipated, I began to remember all my tail wagging companions and realized Sharmin was but one of a long line of "best" dogs I ever loved. For they all brought something special into my life and their memories will live on in my soul for eternity. So here's to you Captain Watts Cookin' (Cookie for short), the Cocker Spaniel that soaked up the joys of my glorious childhood and the tears of my typical tumultuous adolescence as we wandered through the briar patches at my family's lake cabin. Here's to Alcatraz, my German Shepherd mixed friend whose favorite pastime was catching Frisbees high in the air and who flew on several vacations with me, the longest trip being all the way from Florida to Oregon when I moved to the Pacific Northwest. To Sasquatch, the Labrador mix who swam like a fish and was always game to go camping in the hot, humid hills of Texas. To Leyla, the great drama queen whose Doberman breed terrified strangers even though she was the most gentle, goofy dog I ever knew. It was this crazy dog's inquisitive nature that propelled her head first into a massive snow drift the winter after she relocated with us from Texas to Colorado even though her short fur was little protection from the bitter cold. Last but not least to Sharmie the Wonder Dog, who ran like the wind in the mountains of Colorado and who comforted me during the horrific grief of my husband's death. You have all been my "Best" dogs and because you were in my life I have been blessed with knowing the true meaning of unconditional love. To all of you I say "Thanks for the wags."

LIFE'S TOO SHORT

2010-07-10T10:02:00.001-06:00

My heart aches for someone I know who made a grievous mistake this week and is now waiting for the consequences of the mistake. It truly saddens me because this person is sitting in limbo but thinks they are about to be fired. Very little in life feels worse than being fired except maybe the death of a loved one. The person in limbo recently lost their spouse and when someone remarked that they would be devastated if they were fired the limbo person said, "Nothing is as difficult as losing one's spouse so I doubt this will devastate me." I resonated with her words as I have said similar words numerous times over the past four and a half years. My husband was 52 when he died and the unexpected event put so much in perspective for me. It reminded me that life is short and that we never know what's coming next so we need to appreciate and enjoy every moment we have, even the not so good ones. Life is precious, even in the worst of instances it is the only life we have so we must recognize, appreciate and live it to the fullest. I admire this about the person in question for they have demonstrated a grace and strength that allows them to live life on their terms, no matter what the circumstances. Thanks for the reminder that life's too short to get upset about anything. Instead enjoy!

Fifth of July

2010-07-05T11:49:00.001-06:00

Fourth of July weekend and three days of rain. The irony of it all for I have a 3 days weekend and nowhere to go. Here I am in eastern Kansas thinking that this was going to be a hot weekend with swimming, playing golf, maybe even hiking in between watching the parade and going to the festival. I made it to the parade but other than that and going out to eat with friends all I've done is spend the weekend in my motel room. Now as a writer that should be thrilling because I had more than enough time to write. But here it is Monday and I'm just now getting to my blog. Do you think my motivation's in the tube? On a more pleasant note my job is going wonderfully. I love working with the soldiers and I enjoy the diversity in all that I do. My day ranges from providing a briefing on our program to various groups around the post, to seeing clients, to facilitating presentations, to greeting planes returning from overseas, to hanging out at the USO and talking to whoever is there. There is never a dull moment, except on the weekend. But the thing I love the most about this job is that it is short term. I'm here for 30 days then off for 2.5 weeks then head to El Paso, TX for 45 days, then I'm off for the rest of the year while I move to Florida. I'm looking forward to finding out where I'll be assigned in January and hope it is somewhere with a moderate climate. All in all, I am an incredibly blessed person for God is providing me with a job I love that also allows me to move to a warmer client. Thank you Creator for providing me my dreams.

SERVICE

2010-06-27T10:37:00.001-06:00

I am pleasantly exhausted. It has been an awesome week with lots of new learning opportunities. I have been blessed to be a witness to the reunion of some of our soldiers with their families after serving away from their homes for a year. For me it has been a growing experience and an affirmation of my beliefs. For although I am a pacifist at heart I do appreciate those people who are dedicated to keeping our homeland safe. They sacrifice so much for our country. It is never more evident than when I see a small child wrap their arms around a parent they have not touch for many months. The love and excitement at being with the person they love sends chills up my spine and reminds me of how many people in our country give so much of themselves for their beliefs. Not much more to say than that. I thank every person who gives of their time, talents and treasures to serve others in a selfless way and I ask God to keep them all safe.

CENTERING MYSELF IN GOD

2010-06-20T10:35:00.001-06:00

Change can be a wonderful thing. But no matter how wonderful it is, it can also be exhausting. That's the word for me today. Exhausted. In a good way, mind you, but still exhausted. On Tuesday I travelled to my new job and on Wednesday I hit the ground running. The people here are kind, caring and fun. But there is a lot of change and a lot of work and as a professional I'm expected to learn everything on the job. So the baptism by fire has begun. The overachiever in me kicked in immediately and I kept my eyes and ears open to what is expected of me and gave 110%. Then I realized if I keep up that pace for 30 days I will run out of gas around day 12. So I'm slowing down a little today and allowing myself to just chill out. For tomorrow morning before dawn I am out the door stepping into a new situation, that though heartfelt and exciting, will no less be very emotional and very demanding. I wish I could go into all the details for you but I can't. All I can give you are my feelings. That being said, this week I have felt worried, excited, exhausted, happy, intrigued, sad, scared, joyful, relaxed, stressed and full of anticipation. What a wonderful roller coaster ride. I hope it will continue over the next 27 days. And best of all, the one thing that keeps me sane and keeps me going, is that every morning, no matter how early or what is on my mind, I take time to meditate and center myself in my Creator. For it is my God, source of all that is, who energizes me, calms me and reminds me that all is well. As long as I remember this one tiny step each day, I know I am always safe and that I am living life to the fullest. Thank you God!

FREE FALLING

2010-06-14T08:50:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow I start a new adventure. I will fly to another state and work at a military installation as a family counselor for 30 days. I will not be writing about the details of the experience in this blog because of its confidential nature, but I will write about my feelings as I live and work away from home. To start with, I want to describe how I'm feeling right now as I step forward into this new life. It is as if I am free falling in the vast blue sky, floating and descending without a parachute. Tomorrow when I leave, I will have nothing to ground me in my new location, no familiar job, no friends, no home, no pets, not even my own car. It's as if I am stepping onto an airliner and jumping from 30,000 feet into a new life. I was guided by Source in this new direction, yet I feel nervous and excitement wrapped together in one delicious sensation. There is also a deja vu component mixed in because I've been here before, sort of, when I started my new job in Kazakhstan. But with that adventure I had a husband at home to ground the experience. Now, because I live alone, my dog has been adopted out and my cats are being nurtured by their new mom, I truly am unfettered. Like the fuzzy remains of a dandelion I am blowing with the breeze and landing wherever the wind takes me. Don't get me wrong, I relish this experience. If I didn't I would change the future right now by calling off the new job, remaining at home and living my life exactly as I have for the last few years. But I won't, because being a nomad is in my DNA. It is who I am and what I do. By next week I will have settled in to this flexible, adventurous life, thanking God for my big family and wonderful friends, for I'm counting on them to be my parachute. Happy Sailing!

MY NEW ANGEL, DIXIE

2010-06-11T08:10:00.001-06:00

Ever since I was a small girl my parents instilled in me the core belief that it is good to give back to God in gratitude for what God has given to me. I have done this in varying ways and have been blessed in meeting and becoming friends with so many people because of my volunteer activities. One of my dearest friends is a mother of a child who was on the swim team I coached and our friendship has grown and blossomed over the past 20+ years. So two years ago when I was looking for another volunteer opportunity I was guided to Bessie's Hope in Denver, which is an organization who matches volunteers with people in nursing homes. It was through them that I met Dixie. She was a sweet older lady (somewhere in her 80's I believe) who had been in the nursing home since her parents had died almost 15 years before. Because she had cerebral palsy and her brother could not care for her, she was placed in a facility for brain injury victims. It was sadly not the place for her, for her disability was completely physical and her mental capacity was better than mine.

Every other week for almost 2 years (except for the months I was in Florida) I visited Dixie. Sometime I would come and play bingo with her, or listen to a visiting musician, but most often we just talked, and for her that seemed enough. She knew all about my family, my pets, my friends, my work, everything about my life. She loved hearing about what I was doing, especially when I played golf as that had been one of her favorite hobbies when she was younger. I learned about her life and knew that she had been married with two sons and that her husband had divorced her, left her almost penniless and taken her sons from her. She wasn't even sure where the boys lived anymore. Sad as her life was, she always had a smile on her face and a kind word to say for she was a true believer in God and read her bible regularly. She was encouraging, honest and loving, and most of all she was grateful. I would bring her flowers occasionally which she loved and once, after she'd shown me an old, raggedy purse she carried, I brought her a new purse. You'd think I'd given her a mansion with the way she went on and on about the gift for weeks afterwards. She was truly a dear, sweet, gentle woman.

Dixie died yesterday. While eating breakfast she choked on her food and they were never able to revive her. Even though I did not know her for long and did not know her well, she made a profound impression on me and I will truly miss our visits. Tomorrow I was going to go hang out with her in the garden and right now I feel the pang of sadness for that lose. But I know Dixie is happier than she's been in years. She's hanging out with her parents, catching up with her friends who have gone before her and smiling down at all of us on earth, whispering encouragements in our ears and telling us to keep enjoying the adventure of life. I am truly blessed to have known Dixie and I look forward to her hanging around as another one of my guardian angels. I can never have too many. Thanks Dixie!

DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS

2010-06-07T11:19:00.001-06:00

I am spending a few days in Texas with one of my very best friends of 25+ years. We are very different in many ways yet we both have a deep belief in friendship and a deep belief in God. These small yet big connections seem to keep us coming back for more even though we live many miles away from each other. Yesterday I attended a southern Baptist church with her and learned something that was very heartening and very uplifting to me. I grew up in southern Indiana and a couple of my friends were southern Baptist. I seldom went to church with them because I was raised Catholic and I did not feel comfortable in their church. Mainly because the preacher was often spitting fire and brimstone and condemning the congregation to hell if we didn't live the straight and narrow life, but sometimes it was because I would hear disparaging words about Catholics that made me feel bad about myself and my religion. Now my days as a Catholic are long gone and my church of choice is Unity because I am more comfortable with a God who is loving and positive as well as for many other reasons I won't go into here. And I usually shy away from denominational churches because I consider myself more spiritual than religious and have thrown off the yoke of the rules and dogmas of my past. But yesterday I was pleasantly surprised as I listened to the minister teach at this particular Baptist church, deep in the heart of Texas. He spoke of a need to let go of "religion" and focus on being spiritual. His whole message was about working on a relationship with Jesus, inside and from the heart, more than following the rules and dogmas of an institution. I agreed with everything he said, and was surprised that his message was both uplifting and positive, just the way I like ministers to teach. I am glad to see that people, even in Texas who I often wrongly stereotype as fire, brimstone and negative, are listening more to their hearts and their connections to God and less to the negative and divisive messages of the religions of my past. I love it when God surprises me and yesterday Source gave me a wonderful gift, the gift of acknowledgement that we're all more alike in this world than different. Thank you Creator!

ME FORGIVING ME

2010-06-04T07:41:00.001-06:00

The word forgiveness has invited itself to my party lately. From my clients, from my minister, from my friends, it seems to be a word on many people's minds. Or maybe I'm picking up on it because it has been on my mind. Forgiveness means many things to many people but for me right now it is about forgiving myself for not being perfect, about forgiving myself for being human, and about forgiving myself for listening to the thoughts generated from the collective conscious, as well as the distorted beliefs that ring through my head on a regular basis. The louder the critic in my head talks the more I have to forgive myself. Not because I believe what my critic says, but for reacting to what she says. My critic loves to tell me how I'm not loving enough, or that I'm too selfish or that I don't care enough about others and the world. Her latest campaign has been to harp on me about how I am abandoning my old dog and that I am not a loving owner because I'm putting my needs above everyone else. Okay, so I know that these are distorted thoughts and if I dig deep enough I can figure out where the thoughts originate. But instead of looking too deep, I've decided to use my cognitive behavioral therapy training and head down a more present focused route. First I acknowledge the thoughts and criticisms because they exist. And next I turn my focus away from their distortions and replace them with what I really want to think and believe. And the final ingredient is to forgive me. For when I acknowledge and forgive myself for these thoughts and criticisms I am saying yes, I am human, yes, I am not perfect, and yes, I do think about myself more than I do others. Once I forgive myself for being all of these things, I can replace the distortions with what I want to believe. Such as how on the whole I'm a good person who works hard to stay aware of my thought, feelings and actions and how I work hard to do the right thing. And, how when I do make mistakes and become aware of them, I acknowledge my errors (maybe not immediately but eventually) and if possible, I put the wrong right. That's what forgiving myself is about. And when I do, it lifts the weight of worry, fear and condemnation from my shoulders and allows me to see the world through fresher eyes. For when I forgive me I feel free, free enough to find a new way of thinking.

DECORATING A MEMORY

2010-05-31T08:40:00.001-06:00

Memorial Day was first called Decoration Day by General John A Logan on May 30, 1886 to commemorate the graves of the soldiers who fell during the Civil War. I once heard that he was inspired by compassion for the number of confederate soldier graves in the north that had no one to decorate them. In the 20th Century the holiday was changed to Memorial Day to commemorate all fallen soldiers in battle. Today it is also celebrated as a day for people to decorate the graves of their loved ones. It is a beautiful celebration yet one that causes me a bit of a dilemma for in this day and age so many people are cremated.

Five years ago my husband died and in accordance with his wishes I had his body cremated and his ashes scattered on the 70 acre ranch we owned in the mountains of southern Colorado. The memorial service was held on Memorial Day weekend both because it was a convenient time for his and my family to attend but also because it is the weekend of our wedding anniversary. So Memorial Day weekend holds a very special place in my heart. But because there is no grave for me to decorate, I must do something different. So in this blog I will decorate his memory.

Gary was one of the nicest people I know. He had a true desire to learn and to know others. He was not comfortable in a crowd but when he was one on one he could delve into another person's life and know them deeply. It was this quality that so touched the hundreds of people who remember him. He was an incredibly talented artist, a good son, a good uncle, a good husband and the best of friends, especially to me. He was one of the few people in this world who I could be totally myself around. He was a deeply spiritual man and was a huge influence in my own spiritual growth. So on this Memorial Day weekend I decorate the memory of my dear departed husband, who has been sorely missed and is loved to this day. Happy Memorial Day to you Gary, wherever you are!

LOVE

2010-05-28T11:55:00.001-06:00

On Facebook and in the news this morning there are numerous comments about how President Obama is going on vacation instead of to Arlington Cemetery for the annual Memorial Day commemoration of our fallen soldiers. But this blog isn't about whether he should or shouldn't go, it's about the anger and hate I heard in the commentaries about this situation. We often are a culture of seeing the bad not the good. We are often a nation of judgment not forgiveness. Yet deep within every human being is God. And if we are made in the image and likeness of God then God is there even in the least of our brothers. Let us remember what it says in 1 Corinthians 13 "⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." So on this weekend when we honor the brave men and women who fought and died for our country, let's really honor them by showing love to everyone........even to the ones we disagree with.

A BLESSING FROM GOD

2010-05-24T09:35:00.001-06:00

Lately I've been worrying about my dog. She's old (somewhere around 14) and she is retiring to a farm in Texas in 2 weeks because my schedule and living situation is becoming too difficult for her old body to handle. So part of me is worrying about how she will deal with not having me around all the time, although she is going to live with one of my dearest friends, someone who is a much better mother than I will ever be. Part of me is feeling guilty that I am abandoning her in her old age. But all this worrying and guilt is doing me little good. For I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm feeling weighted down by this change in my life. So yesterday, I walked the new labyrinth in the churchyard after service to help me with my sadness and guilt. As I slowly moved along the path I asked Source Of All That Is for guidance about my heavy heart. In the center of this particular labyrinth is a statue of St. Francis of Assisi. How appropriate. For he is the patron saint of animals. When I reached the middle I stopped for a moment and listened. This true animal lover told me to let go of Sharmin. Let her move on to her next phase in life for she will make her own decisions about how she will feel and how she will be. Not me. He said she was grateful for the love I had provided her all these years and that if I too remember my gratitude for the time I've had with my furry friend, that I will be able to peacefully allow her to now share her unconditional love with another human friend. He said if I let go I will feel the "rightness" of this situation and that it is meant to be. "Let go," I kept hearing in my head. "Let go." As I walked out of the labyrinth, I gave thanks to the Creator of the Universe for the wisdom imparted to me and for the 13 years of joy I have received from this beautiful animal. Since that walking meditation yesterday I have found a new sense of peace in this whole situation. And although I still shed tears of sadness, they are mixed with the tears of joy for the memories I will always carry with me of one of my bestest friends. Now I will stay in the moments with this sweet animal for as long as she is with me and I will truly appreciate her for what she is to me, a blessing from God.

BELIEVE, EXPECT, DO

2010-05-21T11:10:00.001-06:00

I belong to a group of spiritual women who have decided to meet on a regular basis to discuss our beliefs and our commitments and to support each other on this spiritual journey we call life. This week's assignment is to meditate, journal and explore the commitment we have for ourselves and what is working, what's not and why. My commitment is to writing my books and become a successful published author. So for the last two days, in my morning meditation, I have asked my Higher Power to expound upon what is getting in my way with my writing and my dream of being a successful published author. Today's answer was very profound for me and I want to share it with you. It was 3 words repeated over and over again. Believe, Expect, Do.

BELIEVE means to believe that my desires come from my Higher Power for my higher good. Believe that no matter what others may say are the insurmountable odds, believing is the key to receiving. Believe that with the help of the Universe I can achieve anything I put my mind to. Believe the impossible. Lewis Carroll believed and look what happened to his book Alice in Wonderland. He even writes about it, as illustrated in the following quote: [Alice] "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

EXPECT means that once you believe, expect your beliefs to come true. For me it means to expect that any day now a literary agent is going to contact me and tell me how much they love my book. It means to expect the dream to come true. How, when, with what, etc. is not my business, only the outcome is my business. So I expect what others may call "impossible" to occur.

DO means to put one foot forward and do the next right thing. You can substitute any word that exemplifies your dream in place of Do. For me I add the word Write, for with my dream I continue to develop and write my novels. I continue to send out my finished manuscripts to literary agents and publishers. I continue to share what I have written with anyone who will read them.

So today I'm going to place these 3 words on my white board above my desk. I will write them on a sticky and place them on my bathroom mirror. I will put them in my phone so they will be beeped at me daily. Today I have received a profound message from within. Thank you Creator for this wonderful gift of BELIEVE, EXPECT, DO!

WHAT A QUANDARY. WHAT A QUAGMIRE.

2010-05-14T09:20:00.001-06:00

I've been struggling lately with a book I'm writing. It's not really writer's block as much as it is my own insecurity that I'm not a very good writer. Intellectually I know it is not true, but emotionally I allow my critic to get the better of me. Spiritually speaking my insecurity is actually a breakdown of my belief in Divine Source. If I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt in Source I would trust that when I write I connect to the Divine Creativity of the Universe through Source and will always write what is needed in that moment. So my writing struggle is quite simple to solve in theory yet very difficult to implement. For in my humanity I need to connect to Divine Source in order to feel confident, yet my insecurity hampers my connection. I am in a do-loop as we used to say in computer programming. What a quandary. What a quagmire. Maybe the best action I can take is to get down on my knees and see what happens.

ABUNDANCE

2010-05-10T10:17:00.001-06:00

I went with my mother-in-law, my good friend and her mother to the Brown Palace for Mother's Day Brunch yesterday. It was superb! I had been conscientious of my caloric intake for days in order to allow myself the pleasure of eating whatever I wanted at this feast. And I did. I enjoyed boiled shrimp and crab legs and a seafood salad, along with a spinach salad and a croissant for my first course. Then I followed that with a pancake, 3 strips of bacon, some roast pork, hash browns, potatoes au gratin, asparagus and a cheese blintz for my second course and then pineapple upside down cake, bread pudding and strawberries with chocolate fountain sauce as my third and final course. I washed it all down with delicious mimosas, decaf coffee and water. I enjoyed every single bite and worked hard to stay in the moment savoring the flavors as they tickled my taste buds.

What struck me as sad though was how guilty everyone was feeling about eating all that delicious food. It was as if they didn't feel they deserved to be there enjoying the feast. It wasn't just at my table either. As my mother-in-law and I walked past another table for the 3rd time (desserts on our plates this time) the women seated there made a comment about how "sinful" it was to enjoy ourselves with this wonderful food. How they would not need to eat for at least a week after this. "Aren't we terrible," one said with a little wicked smile. It took me aback as I became aware of person after person with the same attitude towards our bounty. But not I, for I was loving it! Then I realized the culprit. The old Puritan virtues this country was founded on were getting in their way of enjoying the experience to the max. The virtues of making sacrifice and taking vows of poverty were pervasive in that beautiful opulent hotel. What a bad habit that attitude has become for so many and how unfortunate. For it indicates a belief that God doesn't want us to enjoy ourselves each moment of every day and that if I have abundance and enjoyment someone else has to suffer. I prefer to believe in a Source of All Good who can and will provide everyone abundance in all areas of their lives. For as Jesus said, "Ask and it is Given." Yesterday was an example of the abundance of our Universal Creator and the pleasure we can receive if we allow ourselves to relish in and be grateful for that abundance.

So for me today I say, Thank you Divine Source, for the bounty that was laid before me yesterday. For the farmers, ranchers and migrant workers who made the meat and produce possible, for the truckers, grocers and warehouse people for transporting and preparing it for the market and to the chefs and servers for all their hard work in making the food so beautiful and scrumptious. I am thankful for the lovely music that serenaded us, the pleasant company that I enjoyed immensely and for the prosperity the Creator has given me so that I may enjoy such a magnificent bounty. No sadness, no feeling of lack, for yesterday was an experience of pure ecstasy! Just the way my Creator wants me to experience and enjoy my life. THANK YOU GOD!

TIRED OF BEING TIRED

2010-05-07T09:48:00.001-06:00

Haven't been sleeping well lately. Actually I'm getting enough sleep but it feels like I'm actively dreaming every night even though I don't remember much about my dreams. When I'm tired I find that my spiritual, emotional and physical health becomes tenuous. Some people say it might be the moon phases, so I looked it up. The moon is waning right now which I'm told means I'm losing energy. I believe the moon does affect us to a point so maybe that is what is causing my low energy, but it must have an extra hold on me this month. I'm also wondering if it has to do with the changes that are slowly taking place in my life. Over the next eight months I am starting a new job, adopting out my animals to friends, and packing up and moving to Florida. The weightiness of these changes may be affecting my energy without my full awareness. This may be why I'm dreaming so much even though I can't remember them. My brain is processing the thoughts and feelings that are churning in my subconscious. With less energy I have a more difficult time staying in awareness, thus dreams may be the best means of processing the affects of the change. And of course it may be just part of my life cycle. For life progresses in cycles, from up and down, to forward and backwards, to the four corners of the universe. Maybe I'm just in one of the downward spirals right now. And maybe that is all I need to know. Whatever it is I hope it stops soon. I'm tired of being tired.

FORGIVENESS IS LIKE AN ONION

2010-05-03T09:27:00.001-06:00

Yesterday's teaching at church was about forgiveness. That's a tough discussion to have, especially when the wounds of the transgression are still open and anger and hurt are still raw inside. I presented a workshop on Forgiveness a couple of years ago at my church and below are some quotes and sayings concerning the subject that helped my participants begin to heal. Hope they do the same for you.

Then Peter having come near to him, said, `Sir, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him -- till seven times?' Jesus saith to him, `I do not say to thee till seven times, but till seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain

The process of forgiveness is like peeling an onion, with each layer we explore we come closer and closer to our core self. Sarah Lynch

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. Paul Boese

Resentment is a weed in our emotional life that has to be pulled out down to the root or like the dandelion it will return and spread. Unknown

Forgiveness is the final form of love. Reinhold Niebuhr

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude. Martin Luther King

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.-George Herbert

ATTACHMENT

2010-04-30T10:18:00.001-06:00

I was reading a chapter from Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth, again this morning. The subject was attachment. It reminded me of the sadness I am feeling lately because I am retiring my dog to a friend's farm in Texas. As I know my purpose is connected to a new life that includes travelling several times a year for 30+ days at a time and because I am moving to Florida in the fall to a condo that is not very animal friendly, I am struggling with what to do about my 14 year old dog. Today I realized all my struggles and sad feelings are related to my attachment.

Sharmin has been a gentle and faithful companion of mine for 13 years. She has stood at the door wagging her tail for more times than I will ever remember. Our hikes in the mountains have been some of my favorite times of my life and she was there as a furry back to cry on after my husband died. But now it is time to let go. She struggles to get in and out of the car, yet doesn't complain when I drive her clear across country on a week long road trip. Her eating habits are erratic and she needs to go out a little more often than in the past, yet here I am leaving her for long hours in the day and often with strangers as I travel for both job and pleasure. All she wants to do is sit out in a yard and sleep in between taking walks, not for exercise, but to smell new smells. Yet I now live in a townhouse with stairs going up and down. I know she will be so much happier hanging out on a 20 acre farm with a pond (she loves to go wading in water), in a house with no stairs and with a friend who is the sweetest, gentlest lady I know. She's even going to become the office dog, which means during the day she gets to hang out with several people who I'm sure will stop and pet her on a regular basis. Retiring to Texas is what is best for Sharmin and what is best for me.

The interesting thing is that the predominant feelings I'm having about retiring my dog to the farm are not about my attachment to her. Oh, I will miss her at first and I will feel the tug of the energy departing that was attached to her and my husband. I will even feel the loss of another life force that existed in my home. But I've lost many a person and animal in my life and know that I will grieve but soon after will be fine. No, my attachment is to my image. I have placed a judgment on myself that I believe will be a judgment by others that I am "throwing away" my old dog. It's a terribly loud distorted thought that says to me, "you are a bad person because this sweet loyal dog no long fits into your lifestyle so you are giving her away." Here in lies my insanity. My attachment is more about my image than about the actual dog. My attachment is to my feelings of guilt and to my distorted belief about what I should and shouldn't do. What an eye opener. And what a reminder that this image judgment is an unhealthy pattern in my life. It is a reminder that often in my past I have made decisions based on an image of who I "should" be not on who I really am.

It is all part of my ego, trying to make me feel bad so that it can grow and attach and tell me what's wrong with me. This attachment to my image is what I want to change. And the good news is that awareness is the biggest battle to doing just that. So now that I know my attachment is to my image, I can reinforce the "truth" of me and say, I am who I am and this is how I plan to live my life. If others don't like it then too bad. In a month I am driving my sweet, gentle loving dog to her new home in Texas and am going to celebrate the love she has provided me and the love she will provide to my dear friend for hopefully several years to come. This act does not define me, it is just a choice I make in order to fulfill the purpose of who I am becoming.

Today I learned a new lesson about attachment and this lesson is leading me to become the best human being I can be. It has been a fruitful day!

SPRINGTIME

2010-04-26T09:46:00.001-06:00

Springtime has arrived......sort of. The weather turns from warm, to hot, to chilly, to snow. But the grass is green and fresh and beautiful. Spring is a metaphor for my life. My emotions can run from warm, to hot, to chilly, to snowy all in one day, or in a week, or in a month, or in a year. It is a cycle. And with each turn of the clock, my life becomes greener and fresher and renewed again and again. Like the weather, life can be unpredictable. But just like springtime, it is forever renewing itself. The most important thing to remember is to be open, aware and excited about what is before us. For we only get to see each moment once.....and then it is gone. So today, let's appreciate every moment for what it is, A Unique, Wonderful Moment, and let's experience with joy everything that comes our way.

I BELIEVE

2010-04-23T09:40:00.001-06:00

I had to step back into the wheelbarrow this morning (see 11/2/2009 blog). One of my first thoughts after I awoke was "why hasn't a literary agent contacted me yet." You see, I tell myself I believe that my books will be published and I tell myself that I am a successfully published author. But the real question is do I believe it? I do.....up to a point. But after recognizing my thought this morning I would have to honestly say that somewhere in my subconscious there is a piece of me that does not believe.

After this awareness occurred, my first inclination was to start sending out more inquiry letters and put my head down and plow through writing more books. And in a way it is the correct course to take and the action I have already taken. Once I have released a desire into the Universe, my job is to put one foot in front of the other and head in the direction of my dream. But there is one huge ingredient in this process of manifestation that I have not fully developed in this area of my life. I must believe. I must get back into the wheelbarrow and let Divine Source push me across the high wire. My one and only job is to move forward and BELIEVE.

So how do I lasso that last part of myself that does not believe? How do I turn myself into a 100% total believing machine? The best way I have found in the past is to acknowledge the thought and corresponding feeling when it occurs, then focus away from it on something positive. This morning I sat down and wrote my gratitude list, then I visualized the day when my literary agent introduces me to the editor at Random House, who is publishing my book (although any of the big publishing houses will do). Then I let go of the outcome and enjoyed the feelings and thoughts in the moment, for in the beauty of this time and space I have all I need to be complete. It is when the cake is baked to perfection, that the icing is added. Now, as I write this piece, I have lassoed my naysayer, brought it into the wheelbarrow with me and look with anticipation and excitement to the ride. I BELIEVE!

ANGELS, SAINTS AND ASCENDED MASTERS

2010-04-19T10:26:00.001-06:00

When I was small, my mother taught me about guardian angels. And like many Catholic children, I had a picture on my bedroom wall of an angel guiding a young child across a bridge, to remind me that I am never alone. When I grew older I learned of a sister who had died at the age of one, thirteen years before I was born. My mother told me she was my guardian angel. I liked the feeling that my big sister, Jamie was protecting me. Even though I never knew her in physical form, I still feel she is here watching over me even as an adult.

I am grateful to my Catholic upbringing for teaching me about angels and saints. I truly believe in the spirits that walk with us as we journey on our path in human form. Whenever I feel a fear or a concern of any kind, or want to send love to others in need, I call upon the angels and ascended masters for help. My favorites are Archangel Michael, Archangel Gabriel and the Buddhist ascended masters, Kuan Yin (who some believe is also Mary) and Ganesh.

Whoever or whatever they are, to me they are extension of Divine Source, here to assist and bring peace to us all. For I know that I am never alone, even when there is not another human being within miles of me. I give thanks to these spirits, for with them, I know I am forever safe.

PAUSE

2010-04-16T10:02:00.001-06:00

The question of the day: What does it feel like to be connected to Divine Source? I am always connected. For Divine Source is all of me. But often I forget. So when I do remember, how does it feel? I feel the Source of all existence most clearly when I'm meditating, when I quiet my mind. It's a pulsating and tingling of energy. It's a complete sense of peace. It's a feeling that there is no beginning, there is no ending, all is well. I'd like to get to the point where I feel Source in every breath, in every movement, in every thought. In order to have this constancy I must stay in each moment, realizing and noticing with completeness, everything in me and around me.

As I stood outside my home this morning, after walking the dog, I noticed the buds on the trees. They've been present in form for several days now. Yet I had not looked at them closely. So I paused and I drew nearer and paid close attention to what I was seeing. The buds are tiny sprigs of green. The beginnings of a leaf, half in and half out of the branch. Now I've known all winter that those buds were there, inside that tree. All it took was the right position of the sun, the right amount of water, and the right temperature for them to manifest into form. And for my five senses to experience them, it took one final condition. For me to pause.

Divine Source is the same. The Source of all that is, is always there, providing me the energy and love to live in this experience I call life. But it takes the right condition, to pause, in order to manifest the experience in my senses. So today I will practice hitting the pause button. For I want to experience Divine Source as it flows through me, manifests me and connects me to everyone and everything I meet.

WE ARE ALL ONE

2010-04-12T10:35:00.001-06:00

We are all connected. I know this because in the truest sense of our being we are nothing more than energy that has formed to manifest our bodies, our thoughts, our emotions, our whole being. Some of the energy inside me once belonged to my mother and father, to my family, to my neighbors and to my friends. And all of it comes straight from the Universal Source. For as I change in each moment---which is inevitable---I exchange energy with everything in the Universe. So the air I breathe right at this moment is moving through the atmosphere of earth and is being drawn into the roots of plants that expel it from the leaves back into the atmosphere, to become air for someone else to breathe in another place and another time. Or it may form into clouds and convert to rain which waters the flowers and breaks down the stone.

I have known the concept of connectedness for a long time intellectually. And I have known it sensually just because it occurs constantly. But on Saturday, for the very first time I can remember, I experienced connectedness intellectually, sensually and spiritually in the same moment. It was a great AHA for me. It occurred after I read an update from one of my friends on Facebook about their perfect Saturday morning, sitting at their kitchen table, looking out to the beautiful morning and listening to their grandchildren. I felt a pang of loneliness, for I live alone and have no children and my thought was that I will never have that exact experience. The sadness stayed with me for awhile. Then I read a passage in the book, no death, no fear, by Thich Nhat Hanh. To be honest I can't even remember what actual words allowed me the AHA. The important thing is that after reading this passage I actually thought about my loneliness and realized that if we are all connected then I can feel the experience of my Facebook friend through his words. It is his words that connect us. It is from connecting his words with my own experiences of having looked out the window at beauty from my own kitchen table, and my having experienced the joy of other people's children in my life, that I can allow myself to connect to this person who is over a thousand miles away and to be in his experience with him. So I allowed myself this experience and remembered that when my breath arrives in his hometown, at some point it will become the breath that sustains him and his grandchildren. I connected to them all, right in that moment.

So over the next few days I will remind myself of how I am connected to all that is around me. And I will remember that the items I have purchased in my home and the food I eat, connect me to the people who grew the seeds and plants, who harvested them, who produced them, who transported them and who sold them to me. For at some point in my existence I am connected to every atom and molecule on this planet and beyond. For I am one piece of the Universe interacting with all other pieces. It is truly magnificent! For in the truest sense of being, we are all one.

INDIGO

2010-04-09T10:35:00.001-06:00

I don't have time to write a regular blog today as I'm way behind working on my novel. So instead I am included Chapter 4 of my book, Indigo. Hope you enjoy.

CHAPTER 4

The security guard, distracted by the normal hustle and bustle of the morning, nods his greeting as we navigate the maze of hallways to the building's exit. My unwelcome charge steps double time to keep up.

"I take it you aren't coming over to swim again today," I say to Rain as we reach the street. I already know the answer.

"I told you earlier I had something I had to do after we surfed. But later I thought I'd go to the pier to meet up with some of the guys."

My heart sinks.

"Why don't you meet me over there and we can all have lunch at the pizzeria."

I shake my head. The idea of more than two minutes of mindless chitchat with his new buddies horrifies me. Any intelligent conversation the brainless wonders he calls friends may have once possessed---and I can't guarantee they ever did---has long since disappeared with the onset of puberty.

I point to Crystal. "I have to babysit remember?"

"She can hang with us."

"Who's us?"

"Mike, Dillon, and Kaitlin for sure. Maybe a couple of others."

"Oh yah, that crowd will love hanging out with a seven year old!" I say, sarcasm oozing from my lips.

"Gees Indi, give these guys a chance, will ya?"

As usual, he doesn't understanding that it's the "In" crowd who doesn't give me a chance. I change my tactic.

"But I wasn't invited."

"Come on Indi, you know you're always invited to come with me. We're a team."

"Yah right."

My anger rises and before I can take control of it my mouth opens.

"Doesn't seem like it to me. You're always tripping all over your feet to get to Kaitlin."

Rain steps towards me in frustration, then loses his balance. One foot stumbles over the other and he goes down hard off the curb, landing dead center into oncoming traffic. A car leans on its horn and swerves, missing him by inches. I grab his arm and pull him up onto the sidewalk.

Oops, I guess I shouldn't have said that, I think.

"See what happens when you think about her. I know she has the hots for you and you seem to have the hots for her too."

A red tinge splatters his cheeks and a half chuckle escapes his lips. "Stop it Indi. I don't have the hots for her."

His fingers touch my arm. My legs jerk back as if they've been tapped by the doctor's hammer.

"Whatever," I shout and before he can protest I backtrack to the aquarium entrance.

Damn, I really do need to get control of myself.

I grab the door handle then stop. I've forgotten something.

"Crystal," I cry and look around. She's gone.

"Where'd she go?" I call to Rain as panic rises in my throat. I glance over at the parking lot, then down to the beach. She's nowhere to be seen.

Rain points towards town. "Look!"

Golden red hair glistens in the afternoon sunlight as a tiny shape climbs the massive stone staircase of an old building a few blocks away before disappearing inside. I shudder as traffic buzzes past. She has crossed the two busiest streets in town.

Rain grabs my hand. "Come on!"

In front of the ancient stone structure we climb the enormous concrete steps to the top. The glass reads, "The O'Reilly Clinic." We bolt through the frosted doors and stop dead in our tracks. Inside, a damp, narrow hallway leads to a winding wooden staircase, suspended below grimy dim light fixtures that cast eerie black shadows against the walls.

A lump forms in my throat as I motion for Rain to follow, then I hesitate, for thoughts of werewolves and vampires send chills up my spine. The old wood creaks beneath our weight as we slowly ascend. At the top we get a quick glimpse of a child disappearing around the corner.

Our footsteps echo in the vastness of the stone corridor as we take chase, only to find ourselves at the entrance to a long dark empty hallway filled with dozen of closed doors. At the first one, I take a big gulp and push. The heavy wood creaks against rusted hinges, depositing me in a tiny room crammed to the brim with side by side hospital beds. Two little boys---oblivious to our presence----have been swallowed up by starched white hospital sheets. The only sound are slow steady heart beats echoing from identical wall monitors.

Suddenly the door swings open and a tall, slender woman, wearing dark blue hospital scrubs, towers above us. A long pointed nose over a puckered mouth and pointed chin are framed by long black hair, a severe white streak running down the bangs. Her twisted face turns my heart to stone. A shot of electricity courses through my body.

"Does this belong to you?" she spits out, indicating the small child caught between her hands.

"You shouldn't be here?" She growls in a low husky voice that hisses between clenched teeth. Before I can react, the irate nurse grabs my shoulder and shoves me out the door. She glares at Rain and points her long boney finger at the exit.

"This is no place for children to be playing," she adds, her words bouncing off the stone walls. She drags Crystal by the collar down the long hallway and through the double doors, depositing her next to us at the top of the staircase. As our feet peddle down the steps, she disappears back into the hospital room. Barely touching the creaking wood we reach the front sidewalk in record time. I catch my breath and glance down at Crystal. Giant tears flow over her cheeks.

"We have to help him," she says between sniffles. I pull a tissue from my pocket and hand it to her.

"Help who?"

"The little boy, the one who was calling for help." I grab her hand and pull her towards the crosswalk.

"Crystal, I'll admit that place was too creepy for words, but no one was calling for help. You must be hallucinating."

The child turns pleading eyes to Rain. He shakes his head. "Sorry kiddo, I didn't hear anyone either."

He glances at his wristwatch. "I have to go."

Before I can respond he is half a block away yelling back, "I'll see you later."

No doubt late for a date with Kaitlin, I think as I drag my resisting charge towards the pizzeria.

"You think your boyfriend is two timing you," Crystal taunts. I shove her through the doors of the restaurant.

"Rain is not my boyfriend."

DOUSING THE FIRES OF ANGER

2010-04-06T10:12:00.001-06:00

Yesterday morning I read my inspirational message, recited my affirmations, did 25 minutes of yoga and came up from the basement feeling refreshed and peaceful. Then I listened to a message on my cell phone. Out the window went my peace and into the door stomped anger. I won't go into the details of the message only to say that I felt used and pushed around and discounted by a friend. Without pausing I called back, left an angry message, then fumed and ranted to myself for several minutes before taking the dog for a long walk to try to regain my peace.

It was a beautiful day but I never saw it. I missed the babbling creek, the budding trees, and the Flickers calling for their mates. I missed springtime in the Rockies. I was fuming. Someone had done me wrong! My mind kept regurgitating how I was right and the other person had injured me. I was lost in my anger. Before long my fury had taken on a life of its own. It didn't care that I had meditated or practiced yoga minutes before. It invaded my entire body causing my heart to ache, my pressure to rise, my muscles to tense. It didn't care about anything except that it was right and my friend was wrong.

I ignored the dog as I stomped across the field with my mind crying, "I'm right about this!" Then the word "right" triggered a memory. It was a Wayne Dyer talk I often listen too as part of my morning inspiration. In it he asks the question, "Is it more important to be right or more important to be at peace?" The memory doused the fire of my anger immediately and I began to laugh. Once the flames were extinguished I could answer his question with honesty. Peace is the most important quality in my life.

I immediately phoned my friend and told her I was sorry for my angry message. As we talked I realized it was all a misunderstanding. My anger had masked the obvious and as my thoughts continued to fuel the rage, it took on a life of its own. Then I realized another truth, my feelings are very exposed right now, due to the enormous amount of change occurring in my life. I have been stockpiling my feelings for several days and not allowing them to dissipate naturally. Thus the message on my cell phone became the match that ignited the fire. This whole incident was a reminder to me that my inspirational messages and meditation practices may not cure me of my anger, but they will help me keep it to the size of a small bonfire instead of letting it become a towering inferno.

EASTER

2010-04-02T20:03:00.001-06:00

Did you know that many scholars believe the origins of Easter actually come from a pagan goddess named Eostre the Great Mother goddess of the Saxons? One of the myths surrounding this fertility goddess is that she granted her rabbit friend the ability to lay eggs once a year and thus came the origins of the Easter Bunny. Of course there are other scholars who refute this theory. But I like it and considering the Roman Catholics were notorious for incorporating pagan rituals into their customs in order to encourage the converts to attend church, it makes sense to me. Whatever the true origins, this Sunday, April, 5th is Easter, the first Sunday after the full moon (paschal moon) after the vernal (spring) equinox. Not sure how the church came up with that calculation but I know it was decided during the first council of Nicea in 325 under the tutelage of Emperor Constantine. My bet is a bunch of bishops sequestered themselves in a room with many bottles of great Italian wine and hammered out some of the first church laws and holidays. Oh to be a fly on that wall.

Easter is a symbol of spring which in turn is an integral part of the cycle of life. It symbolizes birth, fertility, and new beginnings. As I drive cross country from Florida to Colorado this symbol of rebirth is everywhere. In Florida there are subtle signs, like the return of the song birds, new flowers blooming and bananas ripening. In Atlanta the peach blossoms are in full bloom, and in Tennessee the dogwoods have begun to flower. On to Kentucky, Illinois and Missouri the grass is greening and a few trees are budding. In Kansas and Colorado the daffodils are blooming and the tulips are about to open. Everywhere it is spring, a time when the earth throws off her heavy wool blanket and dons her most colorful attire.

So this Easter Sunday let's don our colorful clothes and give thanks to our Higher Power for the return of warmth, color and new beginnings. And I wish for you a marvelous day with chocolate bunnies that contain no calories. :)

FORGIVENESS

2010-03-29T09:41:00.001-06:00

Last night I watched a movie on Lifetime called Amish Grace. It was about the Amish people who forgave a local gunman for killing 5 of their children and injuring 5 more. Wow. Did I ever expend a lot of tears on that movie. I could feel the pain of one of the grieving mothers, who unlike her husband, was unable to forgive so quickly. Her anger and hate were eating her up inside and she was ready to give up her entire life to run away from it. Luckily for her, in this movie anyway, she was able to finally forgive when she was informed of her own daughter's ability to forgive the gunman even as he was about to kill the girl.

I have never had to deal with the transgression of someone taking a loved one from me through violence. But if I should, I hope that I have as much courage and faith as those true believers in the Lancaster, Pennsylvania area. For forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook as so many people believe, for there are usually consequences to the transgression, whether it is instant or over time. Nor is it about restitution, as nothing can make up for something that happened in the past. It is not about having the person say they are sorry for whether they are sorry or not, the transgression still occurred. Forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from our own prison of hate. It is an action that occurs deep within us to that place where love or hate reside. Forgiveness comes from the heart, and is about opening ourselves to the love that is out there waiting to replace the anger and hate permeating our cells.

Forgiveness is about peace. It's not about giving peace to the transgressor, it is about giving peace to ourselves. I have learned in the second half of my life that I love to be at peace. But with the turbulence of the world around me the only way I can have peace is to grant it to myself. And the greatest gift I can give to myself is to let go of the anger inside of me so that peace and love can enter.

Forgiveness is not always instantaneous. I paraphrase what one of the Amish characters said in the movie. She talked about how every morning, when she would remember how her two girls used to sing as they set the table, she would feel the anger and hate in her heart and would have to give them up to God so that she might have that space replaced with love. An hour later when she walked in the garden and remembered how her daughters loved to plant flowers she would feel the hate return and she would again give it up to God and ask that it be replaced with love. The deepest or longest transgressions often take the longest to release. But each time we chip away at the anger and hate, we fill that space with a little more love.

Forgiveness is about us, not about the transgressor. It is about rising above the behavior of the other and connecting with the Creator's love that permeates all things. I don't know about you but if I have a choice between love and hate I prefer to be filled with love, that's why I am persistent in working to releasing anger and trying always to forgive.

LIVING MY PASSION

2010-03-26T06:23:00.001-06:00

The other night I dreamt that I was at a celebration with my whole family and we were toasting my new book. It was a grand dream, one that I am certain will come true. It is just a matter of time. I don't usually remember my dreams, and often when I do they are cryptic and bizarre. But when I awoke from this one I remembered every detail clearly and I had no trouble understanding the message behind it. My subconscious mind was reaffirming my belief in my passion. For I know that someday (hopefully in the not too distant future) my career will evolve to one of writing full time. And as a good friend said in his blog recently, I am living my passion. I've searched for many, many years (more than I wish to mention) to find what really "turns me on" and now that I am experiencing it I know that it is what I am meant to do.

The other day I heard a talk about Dr. Robert Schuller, the pastor of the Crystal Cathedral in California, who said he has an affirmation he lives by daily. It is I AM, I CAN, I WILL, I BELIEVE. So with my mantra in hand on this rainy Friday morning in Southern Florida, I write, write and write some more. That's all I'm being asked to do. Live my passion. I encourage you to do the same. What is your passion?

HIT THE REFRESH BUTTON

2010-03-22T08:56:00.001-06:00

I awoke to rain this morning. I love the sound of rain as I drowsily lie in bed. What a glorious downpour. I lay there longer than usual just because of that sound. Now several hours later the clouds are parting and the sun is peaking through. The dog and I walked the beach a little while ago and enjoyed the freshness of the air, the cleanly feeling of the sand, the fresh churning of the sea. When we first arrived on the beach there was but a handful of people walking. By the time we left dozens had arrived, taking in the beautiful and contrast of the dark clouds to green water to the rays of the tiny patch of sun. Everything felt refreshed.

The beach walk reminded me of how I have to refresh my thoughts on a regular basis just as the rain refreshes the earth. For example this weekend I was describing to a new friend that I am a carboholic. She suggested I change that thought in my brain to something more positive for as long as I say I'm a carboholic, I will be a carboholic. She was right and in pointing out this faux pas to me she hit my refresh button. Often I get stuck in an idea of what I used to want or what I think has happened or what I believe about myself that no longer serves me well. In these moments where I become aware of these thoughts I can make a conscious decision to hit the refresh button on my brain, just as I hit a refresh button for a website, or how the pouring rain is the refresh button for Mother Earth. In doing so I can change my thought to what I want it to be. So instead of my saying I am a carboholic I can refresh my thought to say I am a healthy eater, then as I continue to say that thought about myself, my brain will help me move away from my old patterns of eating and help me to believe that I am a healthy eater.

So what thoughts do you wish to refresh today? Take a moment to ask yourself what you are thinking right now that may not be serving you well anymore. Then hit the refresh button and choose the thought you want to think. Congratulations, you have begun the process of changing an old pattern into something more productive just by hitting the refresh button!

AIN'T LIFE GRAND

2010-03-19T10:08:00.001-06:00

Ain't life grand! That's how I feel today. The weather is fabulous, my careers are progressing nicely, I close on my condo in a week, I have dozens of family and friends who love me and care about me and I've already walked the beach this glorious morning. Yay! Not much else to say. I am truly grateful as I write this blog. And today, like every day, first thing in the morning, I write my gratitude list, for I know that I am truly blessed to enjoy the experiences of life that come to me each day. Thank you Creator! Need I say anything more?

DOING SOMETHING

2010-03-15T07:15:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when my life is progressing in a positive manner and all is well, I get this urge to "do something." I'm not quite sure why but it is a very strong urge right now. Eckhart Tolle would call it my pain body wanting to feel bad. Jungian psychologists might say it is my ego wanting to make sure it still has an identity. Whatever it is I have to guard against it, for looking back over my life I find that all my calamities have been when life was fairly even and positive and I longed for something exciting to happen so I "did something." The hardest part of being in the moment is allowing what is to be and not trying to make it into something else. Most often being in the moment means nothing big is going on. Most often being in the moment means finding the joy in a tiny flower or in watching your cat at the window or in eating a banana or watching the sandpipers run away from the waves. Being out of the moment is when I get my urge to "do something." Today I think I'll take a walk instead of "doing something."

INSTANT GRATIFICATION

2010-03-12T09:50:00.001-07:00

I want to be a published writer. I decided a few years back when the inspiration for my first children's novel, Kiva and the Stone Nation came to me that writing is my passion. My vision for myself is to write full time and publish lots of novels so I can live wherever I want and travel whenever I want. Great dream and one I know I will manifest. I just don't know when. That's where my impatience comes in. In this world of instant gratification: money magically appearing from machines, books and movies downloading from the internet, and Seven Elevens and Starbucks on every other street corner, sometimes I forget that anything worth having is worth working towards and waiting for. So if I focus too much on what I want out in the future I miss the moments I'm having right now, like walking the beach every morning, spending quality time visiting with all my family and friends, tasting the sweetness of a ripe strawberry and so on. Therefore as I head towards my future as the successful published author I know I am to be, I keep reining myself in so that I can savor today and experience the process of becoming who I am meant to be.

SEEING THE LESSON IN THE OBSTACLE

2010-03-09T06:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes in the world of spiritual metaphysics we get the erroneous idea that if we put our intentions out into the Universe everything will proceed on an easy, smooth course and if they don't, it's a sign that we are on the wrong path. But sometimes obstacles appear in our way as sign posts, subtle directions telling us to make a slight shift. Yesterday, as my condo purchase progressed, what I thought was an insurmountable obstacle appeared in my way. Because of all the foreclosures in Florida my bank is acting very conservative about lending money and their conservatism became my obstacle. My first reaction (after my disappointment) was that the boulder was way to huge to overcome and I said, "Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't buy this place." Then I thought about the place, about my dream of living close to the beach, about the great price I've been given on this condo and how much I see myself living there in the future. So I paused and let my creative juices flow towards what to do next. Within a few minutes I had an idea. I called my banker, he said what I had in mind was doable and immediately I felt relief that I was back on track. The interesting sidebar to this incident is that with this solution to my obstacle I will actually lower my monthly payments without having to put any more money on the table. So what at first I thought was an insurmountable obstacle and a sign that I should quit, turned out to be a better deal. For me this incident was a reminder to pause once in awhile and ask, "How important is this route to me?" When the answer was my resolve to continue full speed ahead and explore viable solutions to the problem, the solution appeared in my head almost immediately. Today I feel calm and serene about what has occurred, which to me is a message in itself. The entire incident was a reminder of a lesson I've learned in the past and forgotten: All obstacles are good because they are road signs. Sometimes the sign is to stop but sometimes the sign is just to make a slight adjustment in the direction because something better is around the curve.

LIZZIE MY CRITIC

2010-03-04T20:01:00.001-07:00

Lizzie has been working overtime today. Every piece of clothing I put on felt tight and so my wonderful critic, Lizzie, could not stop telling me how fat I'm getting and that I'm eating bad food and not exercising like I should and on and on and on. Sometimes she is just downright exhausting. I often wonder where she came from. I can't guarantee it because I don't have any memory from back then, but I'm pretty sure that Lizzie wasn't in my head when I was born. But somewhere in the early years of my life she started developing in my head. Her voice was probably quiet at first, just little whispers like "Don't laugh too loud, you shouldn't eat that piece of cake, be a good little girl," and then as the thoughts expanded, Lizzie expanded. Some days she's louder than others and some days I can control her better than others. Today was one of the more difficult days. But since I've come to the conclusion that she will always be with me, I accept the roller coaster ride of our relationship. Hopefully when I wake tomorrow morning she'll have had a good night sleep and not be so grumpy. If not, I'll have to take control and put her muzzle back on. Goodnight Lizzie.

SAVOR THE MOMENT

2010-03-01T08:30:00.001-07:00

Time is passing too fast. Even though time is something manmade I feel the tug of it on my psyche. So, as I do on a regular basis, I am practicing mindfulness today as I am forever making the decision to practice mindfulness. Notice the word practicing. I'm not very good at it. But I am getting better and I'm much further along than when I first learned this technique. All because I keep practicing. The psychological definition of mindfulness is "a non-elaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises is acknowledged and accepted as it is."

To better explain mindfulness I will describe my breakfast this morning. I made gluten-free, sugar free pancakes. I know for some of you this sounds horrible, but it is quite tasty and since wheat and sugar create nasty bodily functions in me it is the best way I've found to enjoy my occasional pancake craving. Once the breakfast was cooked I sat down at the table and concentrated all my awareness on eating the pancakes. I watched my right hand grab the fork and slice into the food. I noticed the brown of the cooked flour, the red of the fresh strawberries, the juiciness of the syrup. I moved the fork to my mouth and bit into the morsel. Wow, the taste buds jumped for joy at the sweet, soft grains as they danced across my tongue and melted in my mouth. Then I focused on my chewing. I chewed several times before I swallowed. Then I started the whole process again. After several bites I turned my focus away from the food and glanced out the window, noticing a boat floating by in the bay and the sun shining off its chrome as it created a wake behind it. Then I turned my attention back to my pancakes and repeated the eating process. I continued to stay in the moments as I ate more and more of the wondrous morsels. The phone rang. I set my fork down, pushed the answer button on the phone and listened to the woman on the other end. I heard what she said, word by word, answered her questions, said goodbye and pressed the "off" button. Back to my pancakes. I noticed the syrup was gone, absorb into the flour. So I stood up, walked to the counter, felt the plastic bottle in my fingers as I grabbed it, and walked back to the table and sat down. I turned the bottle over and poured more syrup on the cakes, watching it glide slowly from the hole in the lid, through the air and onto the plate below. I set the bottle down, picked up my fork and slowly took another bite, savoring the taste of the food, one chew, one lowering and lifting of the fork, one bite at a time, until the pancakes were gone.

Glorious is all I can say to describe how it feels to place my awareness in each moment. The act of living is a wondrous thing and I spend way too much time ignoring it, in pursuit of the next moment. Instead today, I'll let the next moment come when it may and just savor the one I'm in. Happy Moment!

INSPIRING AT 95

2010-02-26T10:46:00.001-07:00

On Valentine's day I helped celebrate the 95th birthday of a woman who is much loved at the church I attend. In her younger days she was a dancer and entertainer and has performed with Ginger Rogers and Florence Henderson and even dated Clark Gable (be still my heart). Someone had created a documentary of her life and we watched it as we ate birthday cake and drank root beer floats. Celebrating on Valentine's day was so appropriate, for her life is a love story. It is her love of life and love of self that are inspirations to me today and hopefully for years to come. In the documentary she recounted how, when she first moved to New York, she ate chocolate bars for every meal because they were cheap and she could not afford anything else. After hours and hours of grueling practice each day she would drop into bed exhausted and aching from her bloodied feet. But she never gave up and with patience and persistence became successful in her careers as a model, a dancer, an actress and a talk show host. The same experience that made her successful back then still exudes from her today and each time I find my patience and persistence waning towards my writing career I am reminded of her inspiring story. She was born on February 29th and she celebrates it throughout the month of February. So I say bravo to this extraordinary woman, for she continues to live her life to the fullest each day, and at the young age of 95 I want to have lived my life so fully that someone will write about me the way I write about her. Happy Birthday Maxine.

PERSPECTIVE

2010-02-22T08:07:00.001-07:00

Last night as I watched the Olympics a huge explosion split the air, frightening me. Then I remembered a story on the news a week earlier about people being startled by a sonic boom and I became ambivalent to the sound. But shouting outside my window brought my fear back so I looked out to make sure none of my neighbors were burning up and found that they were shouting because they did not know what the sound was either. Finally, I went back to watching the Olympics but continued to be curious and decided to watch the news to see if there had been an explosion nearby. It turned out to be the space shuttle, Endeavor, entering the atmosphere for its landing at the Kennedy Space Center. How awesome! Upon hearing this news I went from curiosity to joy in a matter of seconds for I had encountered another Florida perk, the space shuttle coming home.

The whole experience reminded me of how often what we think is one thing usually is something all together different, especially when we look at it spiritually. Knowing that a sonic boom had occurred the week before quelled my fears last night. Similarly believing in a benevolent God quells my fears every day. For knowing that life is ultimately good helps me change my perspective about all my experiences. A great example is when my husband died. My first reaction was grief at losing him and the belief in its terrible tragedy. Then I remembered that God is always good and was reminded of how miserable my husband was the last few months of his life which changed my perspective to one of relief for him. Now, four and half years later I continue to change my perspective for as time passes I see the valuable lessons I have learned from his death and how much I love my new life. The key here is knowing life is always good, therefore, continuing to change my perspective to find those silver linings. As I look for the positives in everything situation, I enjoy my experiences more and more and know that in truth, there is meaning to everything. As with the shuttle experience last night I started with fright, moved to ambivalence, returned to fright, went on to curiosity before reaching the ultimate positive experience, joy. Ain't life grand!

OPINIONS

2010-02-19T06:52:00.001-07:00

I love figure skating. Once every four years I am privileged to enjoy the viewing of the ultimate challenge in figure skating, the Olympics. Last night I watched some incredible men's skating, some not so incredible skating, and some endearing skating where the sheer tenacity of the skater to keep going was impressive. Then this morning I went out on Yahoo and saw this headline: The night they killed figure skating. In a column written by, Elvis Stojko, the former silver medalist rants and raves about how Evan Lysacek, who did not perform a quad jump, won the gold medal, and that Evgeni Plushenko, who performed a quad and a triple combination, won the silver medal. In his opinion, this was evidence that the whole program has gone backwards in time. I disagree and am happy to see the Olympic judges did too.

In my opinion figure skating went to seed many years back when the men started performing the quad jump. All of a sudden this beautiful sport became nothing more than a competition on who could jump the highest and skate the fastest. In my book figure skating was never meant to be just about endurance and jumping, there is an art to it as well. If it is just about endurance and jumping, why have music and why talk about lines and form and interpretation. If you want only the technical performance, take out the music and let the skaters enter the ice and spend the next four minutes and thirty seconds jumping then be done with it. But until that time comes, I'll take pleasure in the performances like the one last night where Evan Lysacek skated with poise, polish and beautiful lines (not to mention numerous triple jumps executed perfectly), for he was a true joy to watch. Evgeni Plushenko on the other hand looked like a whirling dervish moving from one jump to the next with little art in between and his program was over at three and a half minutes as he stopped jumping and spent the last minute bouncing around on the ice. But like Elvis Stojko, this is just my opinion and like a--holes, everyone has one, including me and the Olympic judges.

Oh, and one last opinion on my part. I was never that big a fan of Elvis Stojko either. He spent too much time jumping and not enough time perfecting the art of skating and when he had trouble with his jumps he had nothing else to give us.

TRANSITIONS

2010-02-15T11:23:00.001-07:00

Can you feel the energy pulsating through your body? I can, especially right now on the bottom of my feet, up my toes and around my arms. It is a reminder that we are only energy for nothing in the Universe is truly solid but is billions upon billions of tiny particles that are so attracted to each other they appear to be solid. So where does the energy come from that glues these particles together? The Source of all that is. Every person, every animal, every plant, and every object is a piece of the whole I call Source and we are all connected by the energy that runs through us.

In death the majority of the energy we define as our individual selves leaves our body. Where it goes I don't know but a small bit of it stays behind and slowly, over time, dissipates until all that is left is the dust the bible so poetically describes. So why am I thinking about death today? Because I heard the news that a friend's ex-husband died last Friday. The energy that we called Dan decided to leave the body and go somewhere else and has transitioned to wherever humans go when they die. But die sounds so final, and in fact, it is really a transformation of energy with a little bit left behind. For although it has been many years since I have seen Dan, memories of him in our younger days will stay in my mind until I too transition. So today I say Bon Voyage, Dan. I hope your new journey is filled with love, happiness and peace.

LOVE CONTINUES......

2010-02-12T18:55:00.001-07:00

Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is. Gary Zukov

I am a true believer that love is all there is. The Source energy that courses through all of us is pure, unconditional love. So as I continue my quest for love I present to you more beautiful words on love.

A poem by Robert Ingersoll

Love is the only bow on life's dark cloud.
It is the Morning and the Evening Star.
It shines upon the cradle of the babe,
and sheds its radiance upon the quiet tomb.
It is the mother of Art,
inspirer of poet, patriot, and philosopher.
It is the air and light of every heart, builder of every home,
kindler of every fire on every hearth.
It was the first to dream of immortality.
It fills the world with melody,
for Music is the voice of Love.
Love is the magician, the enchanter,
that changes worthless things to joy,
and makes right royal kings and queens of common clay.
It is the perfume of the wondrous flower -- the heart
and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon,
we are less than beasts;
but with it, earth is heaven
and we are gods.

More words of wisdom from Martin Luther King, Jr.:

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.

And more......

Where there is love there is life. Mohanda Gandi

Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go. Mother Teresa

Life is the flower for which love is the honey. Victor Huga

From my heart to yours, I hope you have a loved filled St. Valentine's Day!

LOVE

2010-02-09T09:59:00.002-07:00

This is the week of the feast of Saint Valentine. The actual Saint Valentine has come in question over the years because there is no true historical data on this person. As a matter of fact there is a possibility that the burial place of this person is actually the burial place of numerous martyrs. But iIt is still a delicious holiday created by Chaucer and expounded by Hallmark and the candy companies to sell cards, candy, flowers and romance. I have had some fabulous holidays with the ones I love and some very lonely ones. Somewhere a few years back I decided to allow the holiday to be a reminder to me of what true love is all about. So below are some wonderful words of wisdom written by some of my favorit prophets and masters on the wisdom of Love.

1st Corinthians 13 verses 4-13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

"What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say, 'I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?' Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could only do that by ceasing to be a lamp. And observe how helplessly and indiscriminately a tree gives its shade to everyone, good and bad, young and old, high and low; to animals and humans and every living creature -- even the one who seeks to cut it down. So this is the first quality of love: its indiscriminate character.

~ Anthony DeMello

Looking at my life
I see that only Love
Has been my soul's companion
From deep inside
My soul cries out:
Do not wait, surrender
For the sake of Love.

Rumi

Below is an excerpt from Kahlil Gibran on Love

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

At the end of the week I will provide you with a few more poets, prophets and wise people who have lived and written about love.

TRUST

2010-02-05T08:52:00.001-07:00

I have a habit of living in the future. It is a habit that does not serve me well most of the time. When my mind is focused on the future it more often focuses on what can go wrong rather than on what can go well. So I'm better off staying in the present moments, where I can determine without a shadow of a doubt whether something is going well or not so well. So I have a few tricks in my bag to get me back to the present. The easiest one is to pay attention to my emotions. If I'm feeling a negative emotion, especially worry or fear, then most likely I'm out in the future somewhere (unless there is a tiger right in front of me that is about to eat me). As soon as I recognize the negative emotion I ask myself what is going on right now and is there a reason, right in this moment to worry or fear. 99% of the time the answer is no. Lately I've also been using the mantra technique. My favorite mantra these days is Trust. As soon as I recognize I'm in the future or I'm feeling a negative emotion then I say the word, "Trust." Amazingly it thrusts me back into the present and reminds me that I have very little control over the future. I can dream about it, plan for it, and step towards it, but when all is said and done, the Source of all there is will decide where my future lies and I believe Source has only good in store for me. So today, I send my dreams out into the Universe, take my baby steps towards them and trust that all will be well. My future probably won't turn out exactly as I dreamed it, often it turns out way better, and when I trust it always turns out to be the best for everyone concerned.

SERENDIPITY OR MEANT TO BE

2010-02-01T15:03:00.001-07:00

Is it serendipity or meant to be? Last week I let go of the angst about finding a place to live in Florida. I decided to trust that the perfect place would reveal itself to me. Today I looked at a condo here on Ft. Myers Beach. It had just been reduced $20K so was now in my price range. it was perfect and the exact condo I've been looking for the last month and best of all it is 3 blocks from the beach. As a matter of fact, when I was living in the condo I rented when I first arrived in December I used to walk past these complexes and wish that I could afford to live in one of them. They are at the end of the island so have less traffic, are close to a wonderful shopping center, are close to the beach, and are on a canal with the lanai overlooking the water. Plus best of all, since I do not want to live in it until I return next October and the current owners do, I can lease it back to them with a reduction in asking price and they pay the association fees and utilities until they move out. It is a corner unit so it has lots of wonderful light and the windows either look out on the canal or the golf course across the street. There is even a bit of a view of the bay from the little dinette area behind the kitchen. And best of all, it has a heated pool. I believe this condo has my name written all over it. So was it serendipitous or meant to be? You decide.

LISTENING TO MY GUT

2010-01-29T18:29:00.001-07:00

I changed my mind this week because I listened to my gut. It was telling me the decision I was about to make wasn't right. It's about the house I made an offer on. I was so caught up in finding a place, and so disappointed that most of the condo associations in south Florida don't allow big dogs that I started searching for a house. There's only one problem with that: I really don't want a house. I had a house 2 years ago and I sold it because I was tired of the maintenance (even having to hire someone to maintain it is a hassle). Plus I want someplace where I have access to a pool so that I can swim. I'm a mermaid, I love to swim. But I ignored my true wants and went looking for a house in a neighborhood I liked, not far from the beach. Unfortunately, in my price range many of the houses in that area are not in very good shape. Finally, I found a cute little house in decent shape and decided to buy it. Forgetting I don't want a house I proceeded to talk myself into it by seeing myself in the house, riding my bike to the beach, writing out on the lanai and ignoring that fact it doesn't have a pool and there isn't one nearby. I offered a price anyway. They countered, I countered back and I was sure we were on the path to success when a strange thing happened. The owner got angry at me for my counter offer and decided she didn't want to sell to me. It surprised me because I thought this was the house I was supposed to buy. But she did me a huge favor. She gave me time to think. And when I did I realized I was countering and hesitating and feeling ambivalent about everything (not just the house). I didn't know why. That's when I took the time necessary to ask myself the most important question in this situation: what do I really want. I listened to my gut. I listened to my higher self. I listened to my Source. Then I talked it out with my sisters. Here's what I heard: I don't want a house. I want a place where I can close it up and a leave for long periods of time and not have to worry about it, except maybe a friend stopping by occasionally to make sure it is okay. I want access to a pool but I don't want to have to maintain a pool. I want to be close enough to the beach to ride my bike. That is not this house. It's not any house. So I'm back to the drawing board, searching for the perfect condo that fits all my criteria. I know it is out there. I trust that I will find it. It is just a matter of time. All I have to do is keep trusting my gut.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

2010-01-25T08:16:00.001-07:00

Sisters. I'm listening to them talk right now. There is something very comforting about being with people who've known you since you were born. Of course they also know your foibles. But luckily with my sisters they normally ignore my warts and love me for just who I am. Unconditional love, the love that most mothers give to their children. The love that says, yes, I might not agree with your behavior but I will love you no matter what. That's what my sisters do for me, love me no matter what. So right now I'm going to finish this blog so I can get back to being unconditionally loved. And I will try to remember that the Divine Parent loves me unconditionally every moment in my day. Ah!

FOG

2010-01-22T06:44:00.001-07:00

The fog is so thick this morning I feel like I fell into a bowl of soup. The weather indicator says the visibility is 1.5 miles, but in what part of the beach I don't know. Here I can barely see to the end of the street. But I can hear the surf. Sound seems to travel farther when the humidity is high. I'm not very scientific so I don't know if that is reality or just my perception. Of course everything is damp. I let the dog out for a few minutes and had to rub her down with a towel before I brought her back in. Water drips from the eaves and gathers in puddles on the windows. It is warm too. 70 degrees when I woke up this morning. This is not a phenomenon that happens very often in Colorado, and never this damp. I'm glad I'm in Florida for I love the fog. It tells me the Gulf is near. It tells me there is more water than I'll ever need here. I love the fog, the way it hangs over the palm trees and permeates the air is somehow comforting, as if the Source of all things is surrounding me and keeping me safe. As if the thick moist air is God's arms caressing me, holding me, telling me all is well. It reminds me that though I can't know the future I can trust that all will be well. Fog is my metaphor for love, for I know I am surrounded by and consumed with Source's love. I need not stress or worry, for love conquers all. In the fog of life, as in the love of Source, I am safe.

ASKING FOR HELP

2010-01-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

What is fear? In the true sense of the word it is the fight or flight mechanism in our human body that activates when we think we are in danger. But all too often, in my body, it is a thought of something less than positive happening out in the future. A projection of “what if,” that sets off this feeling in the pit of my stomach, which rises into my throat, similar to what I’m feeling currently because I made an offer on a house. Anytime I start the home buying process I set off that crazy fight or flight mechanism in my body from the distorted thoughts that I’m going to be penniless, homeless and have to ask for help. The latter being my biggest fear. Although for many years I thought my fears around money stemmed from being homeless and starving to death. But in all honesty, I can’t even imagine that happening because I know that my family and friends will feed and shelter me if I am in dire straits. So it is really this potential generosity which is at the root of any financial fears I may have. Because in my head, asking for help means admitting defeat and admitting defeat means that I am weak and being weak means I’m not good enough and then my critic says, “See, I told you, you weren’t good enough.” Sound familiar? But these are old tapes that were either taught to me, implied to me or just plain misunderstood by me when I was a young child. And tho’ I’m an adult and know that I am good enough and that asking for help does not equate to weakness, I still feel inadequate when I do, like there is something wrong with me. So just in the act of putting an offer on the table to buy a house has activated my subconscious brain to project forward into the future and find me in the pit of despair where I am penniless, homeless, and having to ask for help. The good news is I know this is one of my patterns of fear and I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly. But still, over the next few weeks, until the whole process is complete and I have started living with my new mortgage and can see that I am able to make my payments and still survive, I will feel that stomach rising up into my throat on a regular basis. Ain’t those ol’ patterns the funniest thing? :)